There was a gentle tap on my hotel room door. I'd bathed, dressed and packed. Our holiday was finally over and we were checking out of Pretty Villa Hotel in Lonavala by 11am.
Nidhi was still sleeping and would likely miss breakfast again today. The younger, more intrepid, lot was planning to have tea first, walk around Charlotte Lake and then go to a nearby Parsi hotel for breakfast.
Genie smiled and took control of the tank and Fish listed out the various horrors they'd endured during the night.
Downstairs, we met Arief, Ashok, Eva, a grumpy Georgy, Roma and their kids and Georgy's sisters and their families. This was unusual as Georgy's sisters rarely liked to mingle with outsiders. Genie, Arief and I were considered outsiders, even though we were insiders and knew enough to not to want to know more.
I felt a hand pull my ponytail. "You went skinnydipping in the pool last night," Arief said, grinning mischievously.
"Probably got me mixed up with someone else."
"Nope. I saw you."
"Something wrong with your eyesight then."
"Nothing wrong with my eyesight. I saw you and Roma smoking in the pool."
"Ah!" I casually slapped Arief on the chest. "We were modestly covered. And you're not supposed to say we smoke in front of our relatives."
"Why not?"
"Because it's secret. Hence, our midnight swimming session."
"I see."
He didn't really. But I didn't want to explain the time warp in which our families existed. "So, did you have a good holiday?"
His eyes widened and blinked. He smiled slowly, "In a manner of speaking."
"It's me you're talking to. You can be honest. 'A manner of speaking'... you might as well have said you didn't have fun."
"I did have fun." I opened my mouth to argue but stopped when Arief gave me a brilliant smile. "Just not in the way I expected."
"Oh."
"You could have woken up Nidhi and got her out with us," Arief said, spoiling the moment.
"I could have. But I didn't want to punish myself more than necessary. By the way, you could have woken up Nidhi too. She would have welcomed your sunny morning greetings with a 200-watt smile. Why didn't you?"
"I thought I'd leave all that to her beloved cousin, sleeping in the next bed."
"She's not my beloved anything."
"On par with what you feel for your ex?"
I looked at Arief wondering why he suddenly brought my ex husband into the picture. I wondered what to say. Whatever I said I wouldn't be able to recall it. And later I'd realise it was inadequate. I often had speeches for what I wanted to say to my ex, but they never saw light of day. My parents and well-meaning relatives had told me I'd regret what I said – even if I was right. Not saying what I felt had never worked well for me. But it didn't work well even when I did say them. The best solution, I eventually realised, was to walk away.
I took a sharp uncomfortable breath and started walking faster until I was next to Roma. I put my arm into hers. I didn't turn back. Somehow I didn't want to talk to someone who was going to constantly bring up my ex or Nidhi. He could have them both.
******
This is a fictional series about the narrator, her opinionated former pet fish, and her parents' former manservant Genie, who is now her friend.
They are wrapping up a rather eventful holiday with the narrator's cousins and in laws. There is palpable relief in the air.
******
"Why are you avoiding Arief? He seems to like you," Roma said while we were navigating our way around Charlotte Lake. I say navigating because Georgy's older sister lost her balance while we were walking on a path leading downhill. She grabbed my arm and we rolled a little way. We stopped – with her on top of me and a large stone in my side. It was bloody painful. I gasped for breath, coming to the conclusion those were my last.
But someone lifted the heavy woman off me and I could feel Genie and Arief pull me to my feet. Genie made me sit. I couldn't bear to look at Georgy's sister. It would have to wait until I'd mastered the rage born of my soreness. My churidhar was torn at the knee and I could see a trickle of blood. But it was nothing compared to the pain in my side and my embarassment at it all. Roma clucked with worry and finally pulled me toward Pretty Villa Hotel.
"Very sorry," Georgy's sister said embarrassed. There was not a scratch on her, though Georgy kept brushing some dust off her. My nice white kurta had turned a dark clay brown and there was a tear at the side.
Roma, Arief and I were now back at the hotel and I was unpacking to see which of my previously used clothes I could reuse. Nidhi was awake and yawning. Her face screwed up as soon as she saw me and then changed for the better when she saw my disheveled state.
"Rolled around in the dirt, did you, doggie?"
"Woof!" I replied, finding no real answer on me.
"Shut up, Nidhi!" Roma said. "How dare you call my sister a dog!"
"Er, Roma, I didn't see you." Nidhi jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. I heard the lock turn. I could think of several swear words – none of which did Nidhi justice.
I finally found a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and I had quick shower in Roma's room.
Downstairs Arief looked me over. "Let's take my car to the hotel."
"No parking there. Let's just walk it."
"Is Nidhi awake?" he asked.
"Yes. She was asking for you. Maybe you should go up." I felt Roma grab my arm and give it an angry shake.
"No, Arief," Roma said, "Just ignore her. Come on. Let's go."
"Are you in pain?" Arief asked. I was grimacing from where my knee had scraped the ground and the hotel was a 15-minute walk away.
"Why do you always mention my ex and Nidhi when you know I don't like it?" I turned on Arief.
Arief smiled involuntarily. It died when Roma glared at him. "My bad. It draws the worst reaction from you – childish of me. It's just that... I used to know your ex from Pink Sun. I attended your wedding..."
"What?" Roma and I stopped in our tracks.
"Yes. I'm sorry for being nosey. I have so many questions running in my head - about your ex, Mr Poonawala and the fish."
"I won't be answering any of them," I said coldly. I felt Roma's hand gripping my upper arm in warning.
"Er, yes, of course," Arief nodded and we walked silently. I seethed. There weren't enough nosey buggers in this world. Fish were right about him. I looked through the corner of my eyes. It was an absolute pity he looked like a delicious walking icecream.
******
Genie pointed to the spot next to him and I hobbled over. I ignored the voyeurs. We had spent three days here and even though they hadn't talked to us much, the entire family had watched us like hawks. I should have sat on Genie's lap a few times. He might have jumped out of his skin. Perhaps I could have sat on any random man's lap. No. More problems than I needed.
Genie ladled scrambled eggs into my plate. This was an authentic Parsi breakfast with the eggs almost runny. I remembered Uncle Nigel showing me how to make it, while singing a ditty he had created. That day he hadn't invited my ex and it had led to a fight between us. Uncle had shown me some of his family albums and it had made me forget my husband in a few minutes.
"How did you learn to cook so well?" I had asked. He had shown me some traditional dishes and I had picked up fast.
"Oh. My mother was a wonderful cook and cooked for a rich Parsi and I'd help her. He eventually paid for my boarding school and the rest of my education."
"That's good then."
"I don't know. I thought so, but my mother was always unhappy working for the family."
"Why is that?"
"She never said."
"And you don't know?"
"Today, knowing what I do of the world, I could wager a guess."
I held my tongue, feeling slightly sick. A few days later Uncle came to my parents' home. I had invited him to try my mother's appams and stew. The ex was in a very good mood because of the visit. But I felt good because my parents and Uncle had hit it off. Somewhere we had a common thread, all of us, except for the ex.
You see, to everyone I had lied about who had actually inherited Fish. Everyone thought it was the ex. And we let them because the ex's ego had been hurt. But I attributed Uncle wanting to give me his fish to an extraordinary whim. Plus, there had been perks.
I understood why Ashok and Arief had so many questions. Why they constantly watched Fish, Genie and me. There had been rumours. Some of Uncle's relatives had even raised a stink but he had warned me about it. And his lawyer, S. Iyengar, had assured me the will was iron-clad.
Now more than ever I wondered about Uncle Nigel's motives. Why did he leave Fish to me. Was I all wrong about his feelings for the ex?
I wondered why I remembered him so much during the trip. I turned to look at Fish. They were treading water watching me. What an incredible coincidence Genie ended up working for my parents and we shared the same feelings for Fish.
I stood up and rummaged in my bag. I had managed to get them something special today. Raw chicken liver. The broiler shop owner had cut it into slivers. I fed Fish slowly, chatted while they ate and then sat down to my cold breakfast. Everyone stared, their eyes twice the size they had been 15 minutes ago.
Genie removed the plate covering my half-eaten breakfast, put another large spoonful of the beautifully soft eggs and a freshly buttered piece of toast on my plate. We joked about returning home to Peaceful Society and tried to imagine the gossip our joint absence would have elicited.
"Next month, that public holiday, could I come and stay with you guys?" Roma leaned over and asked. I could see her little son Aditya stand up in excitement. Georgy cleared his throat, but Roma ignored her husband.
"Yes! Of course!"
"There will be two young men following me."
"The more the merrier."
"Roma..." Georgy said warningly.
"Relax, Georgy. Just going to chill with my cousin. Not a problem, is it?" she gave him her most winsome smile. I saw Arief and Ashok grin.
"Er, no. I'll check the calendar and talk to Mummy. It should be okay," he said unhappily, all the while staring at Genie.
I dared not look at Genie. From the reflection in the glass door opposite us, he was giving Georgy his most winsome smile.
My phone vibrated. I looked at the next bed. Darth Vader was snoring. I looked at the fish tank. Fish were glaring at Nidhi, but their anger was centred on me.
I sighed. I hadn't thought of ear plugs. I'd have to do something to soundproof their tank at night – at least before we went on holiday with other people.
"Where are you going?" Penaaz asked me suspiciously, while I pulled on my pants. I now felt like a teen with five strict parents. When Nidhi was awake it felt like she was the sixth.
Earlier tonight I had crawled into my bed fully clothed, with my swimsuit under, and heard a shocked squawk and a lot of incoherent, under-the-breath clucking. The ensuing silence was pregnant with tension. I stayed put until my darling Dimitri asked me, with a wink, if I wouldn’t be more comfortable in my nightie. I was certain there was something behind the suggestion as I’d told him about my nocturnal plans.
I changed into my nightgown and Nidhi proceeded to melt into the mattress and a little later to snore. My cousin Roma and I had agreed to meet once our respective extra appendages fell asleep. Roma had three but the kids were super sharp and hence the clandestine nature of our operations.
My phone said 11:30pm. It was a good thing I hadn’t been trying to sleep. The steady silence-engine revving-silence from the other bed was brain numbing. I felt it more now because every time I thought of Nidhi I didn’t have a positive feeling.
A drop of water hit my pillow. I tore my gaze from Nidhi's open mouth and turned to look at Fish.
“Give her a poke,” Penaaz said. Suddenly I felt very sorry for Fish.
“I’m afraid of her.”
Dimitri laughed. The other fish glared at him.
“Try,” Portas said sarcastically.
“I will be in hell for the rest of this holiday.”
“You're already in purgatory. Luckily it ends tomorrow!” Gregory said. “Why didn’t you just suggest Nidhi and Arief sleep in the same room. They would have snored each other to sleep.”
I guffawed. I doubted snoring would have been the plan, but... Nidhi sat upright with a start and looked around.
Shit! I froze and Nidhi recoiled in fear when she saw me. I imagine I must have looked an eerie silhouette in the semi dark – we’d kept the bathroom light switched on. Worse, I was seated on the bed and had removed my nightgown to put on a t-shirt. I could see Nidhi staring at my curvy bits encased in a bright turquoise swimsuit, the golden stripes on it appearing like neon signs because of the reflected light.
I had heard gentle laughter from Roma, and Anjali, my best friend, when I’d picked up this swimsuit. I’d liked that it made them laugh. I liked it better for the way I looked in it. Hot. But now, I wasn’t so sure. In the reflection on the TV, I didn’t have a head but my body looked like a large colourful semiprecious offering one might find nestling next to an Egyptian Mummy in its dingy abode.
“What are you doing?” Nidhi said agitated.
I thought quickly. But nothing came to mind.
“Tell her you woke up listening to her snore,” Dimitri said.
A snort escaped me. “Where do you think you’re going?” Nidhi continued snootily.
That entitled tone. That entitled-to-be-annoyed tone! Entitled-to-know-your-business-even-though-you-are-beneath-me. Who the hell did Nidhi think she was! I let out a little snore. After I counted to ten I hummed and bobbed my head gently.
“Are you awake?” Nidhi asked nervously.
“Depends,” I said in a low voice after almost 30 seconds.
“On what?!”
“On your...” I clucked and cooed for a few seconds. Then I rolled my head round and round slowly and stopped when I felt things spin. It was hard not to laugh. But I felt a frisson of fear – what if Nidhi figured it out.
I could see Nidhi press herself against the bed’s headboard and grip her sheet to her chin.
“Let out a smelly fart, Hon, this is your moment!” Portas said softly.
I started to speak gibberish. Fast and incoherent at first and then slowly, in a baby voice, I recited a stanza of an old poem – Mary Howitt's The Spider and the Fly. Then, I hung my head and let out a few snores. I looked up suddenly and stared coldly at Nidhi. “HEY!” my diaphragm spat out, as loudly as it could. Nidhi jumped off the bed and ran out off the room.
We laughed. Down the hall I could hear Nidhi banging on a door. I quickly put on my nightgown and tucked myself into bed, turning away from the door and toward the fish tank.
Just in time. I heard footsteps and could see reflected in the fish tank a magnificent-looking Ashok, clad only in a pair of tiny shorts, and behind him Eva in a short tutti-frutti strings-holding-it-together affair.
I wanted to vomit. Instead I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. Every eight seconds I let out a deep sigh. After six sighs, I let out a deep groan and turned.
“She’s sleeping,” Ashok said in a whisper.
“She was sleepwalking!” Nidhi said agitated.
“Never seen her do it before,” Eva said.
There was an awkward silence. I imagine Nidhi may have given her sister-in-law a withering look. From the corner of my eye I could see Ashok straighten, put his arm around Eva and pull her close to him.
“Right then,” Ashok said briskly. “She’s fast asleep. Go back to bed now.”
“No! I can’t sleep here with her!” I saw Nidhi flail her arms and point to me.
“Nonsense! You’re exaggerating. She looks so peaceful. Innocent. Come on, into bed. In!”
I felt a hard poke in my back.
“Hey! Stop that, Nidhi!” Eva said angrily.
“Yes. She’s fast asleep and you have no business bothering her or trying to wake her!” Ashok said.
I heard the bedsheet moved about viciously and Nidhi’s body hit her bed. They watched me for an eternity. Ashok and Eva left of our hotel room and closed the door gently. Finally I heard a gentle snore from the other bed.
******
This is a fictional series about some fish, their former owner and her former manservant and, now friend, Genie.
They are on a holiday with her cousin's family and the narrator tries to sneak out of her hotel room under the evil eye of a malevolent relative.
******
I slowed my snoring and groaning. I waited for a while and then changed into my t-shirt.
“Take us with you!” Pervez begged.
There was a similar chorus in the tank. “Sshh!! She’ll wake up!”
“It’s inhuman to leave us here,” Gregory begged.
I hesitated. What the hell. I gently unlocked the wheel and pushed the tank towards the door.
“Aha! I knew you were acting. Where do you think you’re going with the fish?” Nidhi sat up and switched on the bedside lamp.
“Going for a swim, Nidhi. I would have asked you, but I didn’t want it to interfere with your beauty sleep.”
“S-so all that was a charade!”
“All what?”
“The snoring and head rolling and sitting up and barking!”
“Are you okay, Nidhi? You sound hysterical.” I moved towards her and reached out my hand to touch her forehead.
“Get away from me, you!” she swatted away my hand.
“Gladly!” I hurried to the tank and wheeled it out the door. Nidhi swore like a sailor.
“How dare she swear at you!” Dimitri chuckled.
“Nice choice of words too, so befitting a lady,” Portas said.
“What a relief!” Penaaz said.
In the corridor, I saw Roma. She looked at Fish and then at me with her eyebrows raised.
“Taking them out for some air. Plus all that snoring isn't good for their health.” I pushed the tank swiftly in the lift's direction and then stopped. A door at the far end of the corridor opened. Genie, his hair crammed into a ponytail, walked toward us.
“Where are you ladies going?” his eyes twinkled.
“Er, downstairs... for some air,” I mumbled.
He looked at the towels in our hands. “Too late for a swim, don’t you think?”
“Yes. But we avoid the crowds and the prying eyes,” Roma said.
“Some would be worried at that, no?” his dimples deepened.
“Yes. That’s why we’re acting while they're unconscious.”
Genie held Roma's gaze and nodded. He nudged me away from the handles of the fish tank trolley and said, “Lead the way.”
“Wait. What about Arief? Won’t he feel lonesome?” I asked.
“Nope.”
“How can you be sure?” I teased.
“Because he’s not alone.”
“Really?” I wondered which woman was sharing Arief's bed, and had the temerity to do so with another hot guy watching.
“He's got himself to talk to.”
I grabbed Genie's arm to slow his pace. “What does that mean?”
“He sleeptalks. He's been talking about you and Nidhi... for two nights now. Do you wonder why a rapprochement with Eva was so welcome for Ashok,” Genie grinned broadly. “A cold swim won’t kill me. Come on, ladies. If you don’t hurry, the kids may wake and want to find you. Grab your pleasures when you can.”
“Er, we are planning to smoke,” I said.
“Okay.”
“That’s it?” I pressed the button for the lobby.
“Yes. You know what it will do to your bodies.”
I felt irritation creep up. I could see Roma's enthusiasm fizzle out.
“Cut it out, Genie,” a soft voice from the tank said. Dimitri gently bobbed up and down, “They smoke just twice or thrice a year. It’s just that – a rare thrill. Don’t kill it for them – not you of all people.”
“Just saying it’s not healthy,” Genie shrugged, looking at a spot high up on the lift's wall.
“They know.”
We exited the lift. Roma and I went to the pool and slipped in. Our mood had been killed. We waded around, finally feeling the cold of the water we hadn’t felt the last two days. I didn’t understand why Genie had said what he did. He knew us better than anyone else.
“Did you know Nidhi poked me in bed,” I told Roma, shivering in the water.
“Why?”
“She was angry with me for snoring.”
Roma laughed. “You don’t snore.”
“I did it to annoy her.”
“You got what you deserved then.”
We floated for a while and then we heard Genie jump in. I could see Roma look. Genie in speedos was not a recommended sight, especially for married women. Roma leaned back and floated, a glum look on her face.
“We’ve got to get away alone, sometime,” she muttered.
“How are you going to convince the family and everyone else?”
She stayed silent. We listened to Genie cleave powerfully through the water, he was coming closer. I straightened and watched him. He was pushing a plastic floating lounger towards us. When he was six feet or so away he pushed the lounger in our direction. “Enjoy!” he smiled and turned and thrashed away to the other side of the pool.
Roma and I stared at the lounger. There was a metal ashtray in the middle. Nestled in it was a cigarette lighter and the Gudang Garam packet that had been in my pant pocket.
“He's had a change of heart about smoking?” Roma said, her mood immediately lifted.
“No,” I waved at Genie, smiling and giving him a thumbs up with both thumbs. “He just wants us to have our cheap thrills. Quick! Let’s smoke one before someone figures out we're missing.”
"You had a lucky escape," Arief grinned, while passing me a quarter plate. We were seated next to each other on a garden bench in Pretty Villa Hotel, Lonavala. Several plates of piping hot bhajias were making an appearance.
"From what?" I asked. I had made amends with Uncle and was now waiting to stuff myself. I ignored most of the family's cross looks. But I gave evil Nidhi my best and broadest smile every time I saw her gaze rest on me - twice. After that she squeezed between her cousin Georgy and her brother Ashok and ignored me. I was going to celebrate tonight. Maybe with a cigarette. I thought of the packet of Gudang Garam in my underwear pouch.
Arief poked me with his elbow and I started. "Why can't you be friends with her?"
"With whom?"
"Nidhi."
"Who's that?" I mumbled with a mouth full of kanda bhajias. The batata bhajias glistened with the oil they had just been fried in and they were fast disappearing.
"How long have you been fighting?" Arief persisted.
"Who am I fighting with?" I ventured after a long pause.
There was silence. I didn't want to look. I had a chance with a really cute guy and all he was doing was talk about another woman. When I finished chewing, slowly, and silence still prevailed on the left flank, I turned my head to look. Arief was sitting back on the bench, his lips a thin straight line, staring at me. But it was not a cold look. He seemed to be thinking.
"Don't think, Sweetie," I told him in my head. "It doesn't seem a healthy pursuit for you."
I heard laughter from the tank. I turned to see what had set Fish off. They were rolling on the floor of the tank. And Genie was motionless, his body rigid, staring deeply into a bowl of green chutney. Then his moustache quivered slightly. Shit! I'd said that aloud! I turned around to look at Arief. His expression grew stiff, and his eyes bored mine.
"Er. Were you asking about N-Nidhi? She's been cold to me. No idea why. We've moved around in the same circles, were in the same school, have family in common, but she doesn't want to have anything to do with me." I warbled desperately, trying to undo the damage. From across the long table between us, Ashok cocked an eyebrow.
"You've got to give up rubbing people the wrong way," Ashok told me. A small splash of water hit Eva next to him. Though I was mortified at the put down, which I deserved, I tried hard to control my face. Ashok looked up and around and immediately grabbed a paper napkin to wipe his wife's neck. From the corner of my eye I could see Roma and her kids grin.
Suddenly Arief stood up. He walked around the length of the table and stood near Nidhi. People moved to accommodate him on the bench. Her back instantly straightened, a smile radiated from her face and just as quickly my spirits plummeted. Arief refused to look my way and every now and then Nidhi smirked at me.
Suddenly the bhajias felt tasteless. I felt Nobby buzz around me. He tsk-tsked for some time. "Really! Can't you just hang onto a good thing when you see one?!"
I looked at Arief's patrician face, the long nose and long eyelashes. I wanted to get up and run. But we'd already established there were no hotel rooms available in Lonavala, I didn't want to upset my uncle again and my car was not safe to spend the night in. Plus, I was fed up with running and being called a quitter.
I saw a white teacup slide toward me. Genie moved closer and poured out the hot tea into the saucer and gave me the cup. I let Nobby have the first sip.
I could see the relatives stare. I ignored them. But in a minute I choked on my tea. I first sprayed it on the lot in front of me and then coughed hard. Snot and tears streamed from my orifices. Opposite me, Ashok, Eva, Nidhi, Arief and some of the Kurians began to babble and reach for tissues. Someone pounded my back. My nephew Aditya! And Genie pushed a tissue into my face.
"What's the matter with you?" Genie said, mopping the table and trying to stop the spilled tea from falling onto our clothes.
I could only point. Eva looked at where I was pointing and shrieked. She scrambled off the bench and tried to embrace a large shrub. Ashok turned to look at what had frightened her. He moved back in fright and got up quickly. I don't know where it came from, but I laughed.
"Will you stop that!" Genie hissed.
I shook my head and continued to choke, cry and laugh. Roma had often told me that the Kurians and their extended family were namby pambies. One by one, the family hurriedly got up and moved backwards. The massive cockroach stretched and stared at the nearest plate of bhajias on the long garden table. Roma and I stood near it and watched. It strolled forward to the plate of bhajias and reared up to put its front legs on the side of the plate.
Aditya's little hand slowly pulled the plate away a few centimetres. In the background we heard cries, "Kill it! What are you waiting for!" Uncle, a great believer in pest control services, had already disappeared and Aunty and Georgy were ordering Roma to kill the cockroach. Someone flung a newspaper in our direction. The cockroach listened to the commotion and darted toward the plate. Aarav grabbed the plate from the opposite side of the table and pulled it clear.
Aditya looked up at Roma and said, "Mumma, shall I take it and put it some place safe?"
Roma's mother in law immediately screamed, "No! It's dirty! Cheeeee!"
"Don't touch it, Adi!" Georgy shouted, trying to look manly behind his mother. Genie leaned over the table to get a better look at the cockroach.
"Use the newspaper to kill the damn thing!" Ashok shouted.
"How?" Roma asked, a grin on her face. Ashok rushed toward us, grabbed the Hindustan Times from the ground, rolled it into a baton and started pounding the table, with his face turned away and his body about a foot away. It was a wonder he could even reach the table. But there he was, thwacking the life out of the already lifeless bhajias.
Roma, Genie and I held our stomachs and the table and laughed our guts out. We could hear the bewildered children. "Stop, Ashok Uncle, you're scaring the cockroach," Aditya said, concern in his voice. Adi usually picked them up and threw them out of the window.
His big brother Aarav plucked the newspaper from Ashok's hand looked at the oil stains on the newspaper. "Appacha* will be angry at you for hitting food. We'll kill the cockroach if you're so scared of it!"
"I-I'm not scared!" Ashok denied and stumbled backward. There was a long wail from the other side of the table. It sounded like a siren. It was Aditya upset about an impending cockroach killing. Roma slumped on the table, shaking and guffawing, while her husband and in laws screamed at her, imploring her to do something and then scolding her for her undignified conduct. Finally, Aditya plucked the large cockroach off the table and ran off. He disappeared behind some of the bushes in the garden and reappeared in a couple of minutes without the insect.
When I turned around, a number of very angry people glared at us. I saw Nidhi and Arief leave the garden. Ashok glared at me and Roma, while we grinned back at him.
"Who knew you were scared of cockroaches, Ashok," I said.
"I find them disgusting," he blustered. A bark of laughter escaped Roma and her children looked at her suspiciously.
Eva thrust herself into my face, "You let us suffer. You know I'm terrified of them!"
Georgy pushed himself between us, furious at Roma. "You've been letting my children play with dirty insects!"
That got my goat. "On the contrary, Georgy. We've established your boys have more backbone than most of the men in our family. And... they are kind." Despite the dubious genes from their father, my darling boys Aarav and Aditya were going to be fine.
"Want to go for a swim?" I asked them. The water was bound to be cold, but what the heck. We'd jump in and then figure things out. They ran for their trunks and I for my swimsuit. I stood at the top of the stairs and wiggled my fingers at Roma to follow me. Georgy was scolding her, but her eyes were on me. She grinned and walked past the angry relatives, running up two steps at a time.
******
This is a fictional series about a group of Fish, their former owner and her former manservant Genie. Fish and Genie have returned from their travels to live with the narrator for a few months and in this episode they are all on vacation with her relatives.
Tempers fray and unexpected guests cause complications.
******
We were floating in the swimming pool, enjoying the sun on our fronts and the cold water against our backs. There had been several angry summons from various family members, but none had tried to venture into the pool to pull us out. None knew how to swim. And Roma, the boys and I hadn't budged in a long time. In between, Genie joined us and then left.
"You know..."
"What?" Roma said.
"I think I'll be banned for life from any of your family outings," I told Roma.
Roma laughed. "Probably. But they can't do a thing even if you do turn up. They can't be rude to you, that will annoy Daddy... and Genie... and Fish." She laughed once more. "I think you should come again. It will shake things up. And," she suddenly waded toward me, "let's get Arief, Genie and Nidhi too. My holiday has never been so much fun!"
I stayed silent. I had no wish to repeat this horrible experience. We held hands and floated. A shadow fell on us. I opened an eye, our cousin Eva was looking at us uncertainly. "May I join you?"
"Hurry!" I said. She disappeared to get her suit. "Don't look now, Roma," I murmured, "Darth Vader Nidhi is watching us."
"I know," Roma said her eyes closed. "She can't get enough of you." She sighed and straightened. She swam to the side of the pool where Nidhi, Arief, Ashok and Georgy were seated. Georgy still looked angry.
"Want to join us in the pool?" Roma smiled.
Arief took off his clothes and slipped in. "I don't know how to swim," Georgy bleated, feeling more left out now that Arief was in the pool.
I heard a mild swear word from under Roma's breath. "Jump in, Babe, I'll teach you. Just go wear your trunks."
"Yes, Daddy," the boys said enthusiastically.
"I don't have trunks," Georgy said, mutinously. His kids waded off and began to toss a ball.
Roma swam back to me. "Want to do laps? What say we come back at night. We can swim in the dark and maybe smoke."
"Georgy?"
"He'll be dead to the world. Come on, 10 laps." And she was off thrashing the water like the former state champion swimmer she was.
******
* Grandfather
"Are you moving out of Pretty Villa Hotel, Arief?" I asked absently. Genie, Roma, Arief and I had gone to three tatty-looking hotels and been turned away for lack of rooms. I began to wonder if I could sleep in my car tonight - it was clean and comfy enough.
"If you want me to," Arief grinned.
"I don't."
"Why not?"
"My relatives will think you leaving is a conspiracy I've engineered and... Nidhi will feel lonesome," I said sarcastically.
"Okay."
"Since Eva and Ashok will share a room now, yours empties out."
"Yep."
"There's a possibility that we may have to return... if we don't get hotel accommodation." I'd have to return with my fat, belligerent tail firmly between my legs.
"Yes," Arief smirked.
"You're enjoying all this, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am. Couldn't you have done the hotel recce first and then made the grand exit from the hotel?"
"I wasn't thinking."
"Clearly!"
"You don't understand! Someone kicked around my clothes and stomped them. They were neatly folded on my bed when I left the room for breakfast. There wasn't a clear enough footprint to make out the culprit."
"Couldn't you have just confronted the person you suspected?"
"Haven't you got enough of a taste of my crazy relatives - ours and Georgy's?! Do you think you'd want to tick off any one of them?"
"I can stand up to them."
I laughed. The goat. Stand up to them indeed! He hadn't a clue what he was talking about. And he was the lone cream puff outsider in a crowd of unreasonable, rigid Suriani Christians.
He walked off to talk to Roma.
"Psst! What's going on between you two?" Penaaz was at the top of the fish tank, glaring at me.
"What do you mean?"
"We mean the kiss with Arief!" Pervez shot up through the water. "First you couldn't cross swords enough with him - swinging TT balls at his Adam's apple - and then waging a war of words."
"The next thing we know, your lips, tongues and arms are entwined," Portas said indignantly.
"Chee, chee, chee! That's a lot of nonsense masala even by your standards! He caught me by surprise - the kiss - and had my arm in a stranglehold! I don't know why he insisted on hanging on to it." Genie had looked at us once and hadn't turned around again. I felt guilty and chuffed in turns. Though I couldn't make out what was going through Arief's head. Was he punishing me for my previous antics - for causing his chin and Adam's apple pain? His TT ball to my collarbone had hurt like hell - he was capable of venom!
I felt water hit my earlobe. "Silly girl. He's fooling around with you!" Penaaz said.
"You know, Penaaz, I have to agree with you. I think he's having fun."
"Don't give in, Darling," Dimitri said. "Could be a holiday fling."
"Think about Genie's feelings!" Portas gnashed his tiny teeth.
I laughed. "What's it got to do with Genie's feelings?"
"He's in charge of you!" Pervez said.
"No, he's not!" I felt annoyed. I was a grown woman. I could have a fling if I wanted to.
"You know what's going to happen, don't you?" Penaaz said, she and Pervez treading water and their fins crossed over their chests - a stance my mother adopted with me often when she was irritated.
"What?" I asked.
"He's going to ask too many questions. Spy on us when we speak. We won't ever have a private moment," Penaaz said.
"And then he's going to whisper sweet nothings to you," Pervez said.
"And then you'll tell him we speak to you," Portas said.
"And you to us" Gregory said, tweaking his bow tie nervously and glaring at me.
I looked at Dimitri, waiting for him to pile on the shit. But he stayed quiet, his eyes large.
"So what if Arief knows?" I said.
"We'll be in danger, you silly girl!" Gregory cried.
"He'll make us a jingle in an ad," Portas shouted.
"We'll be, all at once, silly and notorious!" Pervez said, upset.
"Guys, you're being melodramatic!" I laughed.
There was sudden silence. Oops. I had insulted Fish. They slipped deep into the tank - out of my reach - and I could see furious bubbles pepper the top of the water. Some were swear words, raspberries and more.
I contemplated the man. Arief seemed chill. Right now he was talking to Genie, and joking about something. I dearly hoped he wasn't yanking my chain. I was unnerved by the kiss he had planted on me earlier in the day. I was no match for this sophisticate who could, sadly, beat me at my own complicated games. But why were Fish so upset?
Penaaz shot up. "Have you considered what might happen if we have to go back to the hotel?"
"Er, technically, you and Genie are out for a stroll. If we can't find another hotel, you can go back and share Genie and Arief's room."
"And you?" Dimitri asked.
I planned to sneak into Pretty Villa Hotel in the middle of the night and smother Nidhi in her sleep and disappear. But, there was a snag. I couldn't leave Fish and Genie behind.
"You are forbidden from sleeping in the car or smoking in it!" Gregory said. "It's awful when the stink gets into the seats! Where did you pick up such a filthy habit!"
"The car is an excellent idea."
There was a fresh round of angry protests. If I returned, for sure I'd be at the receiving end of Uncle's substantial reserves of contempt.
A shadow blocked the sunshine. "No luck with the rooms," Genie said. "How about we go back?"
I looked at Nobby sitting on Genie's ear. My mosquito friend was cross-legged and meditating, Buddha-like. He was the only creature in this tableau unaffected by anyone. My life felt like shit. Then I caught sight of Arief leaning over Roma and laughing with her. Yep, life was definitely shit. And dinner tonight was going to be even shittier.
******
This is a fictional series about the narrator, her former manservant and now good friend Genie, and her former pet fish.
The narrator, on a holiday, fights with her relatives and leaves the hotel in a huff. Only there are no other hotel rooms available in Lonavala. She's in a quandary. And life has just become more complicated.
******
As Genie advised me, sometime during our walk around Lonavala's market, I chinned up and made peace with the fact that I'd spend the better part of the evening and night with the family.
So we ate a sumptuous seafood lunch. Fish stared at us aghast as we ate prawns masala, fried pomfrets, dal tadka and vade. While biting into the pomfret's hollow head, I asked Fish if I was eating someone they knew. They turned around and blocked me out.
"Was that necessary?" Genie nudged me. Arief was sitting next to Roma and talking non-stop while she fed her younger son bits of fish.
"Oh. Just putting things in perspective," I chuckled. But I soon felt bad and poked about the tank, murmuring and chasing Fish about with a spoon. I finally fed them salted caramel popcorn, one of their favourite eats, even though I didn't think it was healthy for them. When I turned to sit, I could see Arief staring at me, bewildered. The look changed and he gave me a smile. He was right, I was the kook the guys at Wimbledon would never let in - even if they had spent the day drinking scotch.
In the evening, after I'd stretched my second cutting chai and after Aditya, Roma's younger son, threw his brother's ball at me, Arief pulled me off the small wall I was sitting on and I followed them reluctantly to the hotel. I didn't feel very bad, even though I knew I was going to meet a bayonet head on. Genie had bought us Kolhapuri chappals and lots of chikkis and fudge - all Lonavala specials.
"Nervous... about going back?" Arief grinned.
"Are you?" I asked.
"No. Why should I be?"
"I don't know."
"So why did you ask?"
"Oh, simbly. Just didn't want to answer a question I didn't want to answer."
Arief took a deep breath and pursed his lips. Definitely a cream puff. If he felt twisted with me, he had had a miraculous escape from Eva. I came to a stop in front of Pretty Villa's glass doors. From here I could see Uncle, in the wooden armchair, reading a newspaper. It was like he hadn't budged from when I left him. The Kurians, Roma's in laws, were spread around him, talking. No one cared to do anything else.
He looked up and I waved nervously. He fluffed out his newspaper and looked down again. I felt the air squeal out of my balloon.
"Chin up! Remember what I told you. Care a fuck. Come on," Genie grabbed my arm and pulled me into the lobby of Pretty Villa. He manoeuvred me to a table tennis table and we started playing - a proper game this time.
It loosened me up and made me feel better. Several minutes later Roma and Ashok were at the table. Ashok hugged me and kissed my cheek. "Friends, I hope." I nodded, feeling overwhelmed. I looked at Eva from the corner of my eyes. She was happy, her skin a tinge of pink and her gaze wholly on her husband - things were back on track. Another look at the elders behind me confirmed all of them were taking credit for the Ashok-Eva reconciliation and trying hard to reach behind themselves and pat their backs.
There was sudden quiet around the table. I felt someone talking to the top of my head. I looked up and froze. Uncle! "Why are you here?" he asked me, a frown on his face.
"No rooms available." I was too nervous to lie or to keep looking him in the eye, but in a few moments his mouth turned crooked and he chuckled.
"I'm surprised you didn't go home," he said.
"I'm surprised too. But I thought I'd sleep in the car."
"Not a good idea. How much is your cut? I've forgotten."
"How much what?"
"You said to place a bet on whether you'd return. I did bet, with Kurian," Uncle gestured vaguely at Kurian Thomas - Georgy's dad.
My mouth turned down. Care a fuck. Care a fuck. Care a fuck. Care a fuck. Fish had made me repeat it over and over. I opened my mouth to say something defensive, but, at this moment, Nobby, sitting cross-legged on a nearby potted plant chanted 'Om', opened one eye, shook his head, closed the eye and chanted 'Om' again.
"Er, who won?" I asked, finally.
"You really mean how much did I win."
I drew a deep breath. A quick look at Arief.... and Genie, they were watching poker faced. Papa hadn't been as irritating or pigheaded as Uncle. Still, there was a way to counter this.
"Uncle, who bet what, how much and who won?"
"How long have I known you, my dear?"
"Let's see, with no breaks in our relationship," even if I had wanted one, "forever."
"Right. How often have we bet?"
On every damn thing. That had been our thing! I swallowed. "Always. What did you bet, Uncle?"
"I bet you'd return to dinner. Just to spite me, you know. After all, you are the flesh of my flesh."
I cleared my throat. I'd been thinking of a free dinner, but I hadn't wanted to back down either. "And what did Kurian Uncle bet?"
"That you wouldn't return, and neither would Genie with your fish."
We stared at each other for an eternity. I took slow breaths. There's a reason why in laws stay in laws. They never seem to want to soak you into themselves. They're happy imagining what they decide is convenient.
I finally smiled at Uncle and we hugged. "I hope you looted him," I whispered in his ear.
"I could make him bet only two thousand rupees. He was most upset when you returned. The problem now is how do I get that money from him!" Uncle whispered back.
I stepped away from him. He took my arm and tucked it into his and pulled me toward the garden. "They make good pakodas here. What kept you! We're all starving. Somebody order pakodas and chai!"
