Fishy Chronicles 26: Confusion In Lonavala

"Have you taken enough clothes? It's a three-day trip, you know," I could hear amusement in Genie's voice.

I had packed a bag and was trying to zip it shut. There were too many clothes in it. I sat on my bed, already tired. Genie sat on the bed and took my hand. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm dreading this trip. Dreading Ashok, Eva, her boyfriend, most of all - the snarky comments."

"Everyone's attention will be on the boyfriend and the couple."

"Hmph."

"And Fish will have a lot to say."

"I don't think it's a good idea taking them."

"Too late to backtrack."

Fish had spent the evening ordering me to pack their toys, graphic novels and special eats. On each of our trips, I'd had to bring everything back untouched and unopened, yet they still insisted on everything going into a separate suitcase.

"Did you pack your swimsuit?" Genie nudged me.

"No."

"Why not?"

"It will give Roma's in laws a heart attack."

Genie immediately got up and opened my cupboard. He pulled out my swimsuit from my underwear drawer and I could feel a powerful blush hit my forehead and cheeks. I immediately rushed to him and plucked my swimsuit from his hands.

"No need to feel inhibited. I've seen you in a swimsuit," Genie said, "and on many occasions tidied your cupboard."

"Aiyyo! There are too many prudes in this world and they are all related to Georgy and Roma!"

"And to you! Go and pack your swimsuit. Let's just enjoy the trip."

                                     ******

This is a fictional series surrounding the narrator, her former manservant Genie and a tank full of opinionated fish.

They go on a trip with cousin Roma's family and several cousins - including Eva, Roma's and the narrator's first cousin, who is married to Ashok, Roma's husband's cousin. Eva and Ashok are estranged and have been invited on the Lonavala trip by elders in the hope they will reconcile. Only Eva, unaware Ashok will be there, is bringing along a boyfriend. 

                                     ******

The closer we got to Lonavala, the more tense I felt. Fish's bawdy banter about Ashok, Eva and the third wheel didn't help. I dreaded meeting Roma's in laws. 

With Genie zigzagging and overtaking other cars, I felt bile come up. I grabbed Genie's arm and shook it frantically. I covered my mouth and started slapping the window with my free hand. Genie lowered the car windows and I leaned out and threw up. Cars blared their horns at me. For an instant I wished I was vomiting on their windshields. I vomited again.

I could feel Genie's fingers on the back of my neck. We were now parked on the side of the road. He had made me get out of the car and sit on a rocky outcrop.

"What's this about? You're not normally carsick," Genie said, handing me a bottle of water.

"I'm not. Maybe I ate something bad last night." I swilled some water in my mouth and spat it out. 

"We ate the same food and I'm okay. What's really the problem?"

"I can't face the Kurians." The Kurians were Roma's in laws.

"They've never bothered you before."

"They have. I just handled it better."

Genie helped me into the car. He drove at a steady clip, but the three-hour drive felt like forever.

                                       ****** 

We saw Ashok at the entrance of Pretty Villa, a large red brick structure with tendrils of creepers and bougainvillae on its sides. He hung back to chat and shook hands with Genie. Surprisingly he had never had a problem with Genie being the help. 

"I see you can't do without your fish - spacesuits and all," Ashok grinned at the travel suits I had created for Fish. It helped them stay out of the tank for periods, with oxygenated water in their suits.

"Aquasuits. There was no one I could leave the fish with."

"Oh?" He looked meaningfully at Genie.

"Genie had to drive me here. He can't be in two places at one time."

"No. No. No. I imagine driving you here is more important... couldn't you have got a lift with Roma?"

"Car sick. Plus Fish. Too complicated..."

"I would have thought that would have sorted matters."

What a pest! "I like my comforts. And I wanted to make sure Fish weren't at the receiving end of someone else's inexperience."

Ashok's eyes moved over me, amused. He stepped back and let me go toward Reception. I remembered Fish in the car and turned and walked right into Ashok. He steadied me. " Are we okay?" he laughed.

"Yes."

"Reception is that-a-way," Ashok's finger pointed behind me.

"I know, but my loves are in the car," I pointed in front of me. Ashok started, but turned to look. I gingerly removed Fish from the back seat. Nobby was sitting in Genie's hair - I still hadn't been able to access Fish's mints, or brush my teeth - one of the reasons I was not keen to talk too much to Ashok. I did like him - he was easy to talk to. Until, of course, the business of Eva popped up.

"Need help?" Ashok came around and watched Fish.

They stayed motionless. Ashok was tricky business. Very sharp. I always caught him watching me talk to Fish. Roma's mother once told me to stop talking to them in public because it made people think I was nuts. 

"Did you ever know Mr Poonawala?" Ashok asked suddenly.

I dropped my bag. "W-What?" I bent to pick it up.

"Mr Nigel Poonawala - one of the owners of Pink Sun?" It was a big ad agency.

"Er, I've heard of him."

"Your ex worked for him."

I was silent. Ashok said, "I was surprised to know your ex was given the fish tank and fish."

"Why surprised?"

"He didn't strike me as an animal person." I could see Gregory squirm. "Those are Mr Poonawala's fish, aren't they?"

"Yes."

"How did you get them?"

"Long story," I pushed past Ashok with my luggage.

He kept pace and pulled my bag out of my grasp. "How?" he caught my arm and I stopped.

"I got them as my divorce settlement."

"You're joking!"

"No. My ex kept the parrot and nicely killed it. The bastard!" I hurried off as fast as I could. If he had been in front of me I would have kicked my ex in the crotch and run.

Roma caught me at the hotel's entrance. I groaned. I could see her in laws, parents and Nidhi, Ashok's sister, relaxing in the reception area and waiting for us. She had been my senior at school, and like her brother, was very talented. But she was usually cold to me - unreasonably so.

She looked at me but wouldn't smile. Suddenly, it seemed, an army of relatives was relaxing in Pretty Villa's lobby. I looked at Roma - her face was devoid of expression.

"You want to explain what's going on, Roma?" I whispered furiously. Nidhi was a new development.

"He turned up with his sister. Georgy has been arranging rooms for the last hour and he's pissed. It's too complicated - who's going to sleep where."

"Someone should have offered Uncle a condom while he was at work creating Nidhi!" I glared at Nidhi. 

"Oof! Shut up!"

"Never!"

"There are no rooms available now, so we'll have to sit around till check-in time at 12."

"What!" My hopes of hiding in a room were dashed. I looked at Genie moving into the motley group and touching Uncle's and Aunt's feet. They adored him. The rest looked at him indifferently. I could almost read their minds. They were wondering how the servant dared to sit in their midst. Today it was impossible for them not to take him seriously. He was wearing a pair of dark blue fitting jeans, a white t-shirt that clung to his muscled torso, and dark brown boots. Even his long hair was washed and shone and bounced every time he moved.

He settled on a sturdy corner table, arranging Fish next to him. He looked at me and patted the stool next to him. I could see looks of shock rippling across the others' faces. 

Ashok moved in front of me. "What's going on between you two?"

"What do you mean?"

"I heard he'd quit working for you."

"You heard right."

"And?"

"And?"

"And what's he doing with you now?"

"He's back in my employ. But with the option to hold a part-time job," I fibbed.

"Really?" Ashok was grinning.

"Oh, yes."

"That's an interesting arrangement."

"Yes indeedy. Excuse me," I tried to move around him.

Ashok blocked my path. "When did he return?"

"Around Christmas eve."

"And I hear you travelled with him to Cambodia soon after."

"Who would say such a dastardly thing!" 

Ashok laughed. "Everyone knows. Scandalous... to my uncle and aunt," he tilted his head slightly in Roma's parents in law's direction.

"They're easy to scandalise."

He grinned and was going to retort when his eyes widened and then his mouth closed tightly. A car had just come to a stop on the gravel outside and I turned to follow his gaze.

My dear cousin Eva had just got out of a car and was a picture of perfection in tight jeans, a fetching halter top, stilettos, and sporting a new hairstyle - a very attractive pixie cut. She was saying something and laughing to the man getting out of the driver's side of the car when she stopped mid sentence and gaped at us. Her eyes bulged and her mouth became crooked. It lasted two seconds and then she slammed the car door and came marching towards us. I moved back in fright and felt Ashok's hands tighten on my arms.

"Aiyyo! Let me go!" I said. I could see my idiot cousin losing her nerve mid stride. She stopped at the doorway of the hotel and stood hesitantly, looking at all our relatives massed at the side. Some had gasped, some stared in tension and some were looking on with interest.

I couldn't help it, I started to hiccough. I could feel Ashok stare at me. I looked up and saw disbelief. "Better this than vomiting, trust - hic - me!"

Ashok tried not to smile but did in a moment. He watched me hiccough. No one came to my aid and soon I tried to hold my breath. It was at moments like these that you realised how little one cared for you.

"Water?" Ashok asked.

"Hic. Yes, hic... please. Did... hic... you know..." I held my breath for about 15 seconds,  "that your dearest darling was coming?"

He grinned, "No."

"Bloody liar." I extricated myself and said, "enjoy."

Ashok was staring at his wife and her friend and suddenly he started moving toward them. Roma rushed to the doorway and so did Georgy and Genie. But they stopped, watching curiously the trio outside. Ashok was talking to and shaking hands with the man Eva had brought with her. The man was also smiling, but Eva looked terribly unhappy.

The other man pulled out their suitcases and Ashok and he walked toward the hotel, oblivious to Eva in their wake. I sniggered. Roma threw me a dirty look, "What?" she demanded.

"Poor Eva's got to get her luggage in herself. Her boyfriend's forgotten to do the gentlemanly thing. And, for a moment, I thought Ashok would, magar dekho kitna khunnas hai use*! Owww!!" My cousin had jabbed me in the ribs and I kept my hand pressed on the now tender spot. I held back the swear word with difficulty.

"It's not funny at all!" Roma snarled.

"If you don't find madamji getting a taste of her own medicine funny, then I don't know what will ever be funny for you!"

"Please, stop!" Georgy turned and begged. I was too stunned to go on. We followed the actors in our tableau to the sitting area and the two men found a place to sit. We sat near them.

"That's not Abhijeet Baruah," I whispered in Roma's ear.

"What?"

"He's not Abhijee..."

"I heard you! If not Abhijeet, who is he?"

I cleared my throat. No one turned. I coughed loudly and asked, "Aren't you going to introduce us to your friend, Ashok?"

"Ah, this is Arief Rather, we used to work together. He's in advertising - worked for Mr Poonawala. Eva's cousin here," Ashok pointed at me, "has Mr P's fish. She's even brought them here. See them in the tank there," Ashok pointed at Fish. I could see them tread water, very interested in what was going on. Last night I overheard Portas tell Dimitri that he hoped there'd be a catfight.

Arief got up and went to the fish tank. He was a handsome man - sharp features, high cheekbones and very fair with brown hair and brown eyes. I could see the women, including the elderly, preen, fidget and smile at him. Only he was annoying me to death. The idiot was tapping the fish tank's glass wall and Fish had moved away and were staring at him.

"Fork!" I heard Penaaz say.

Fish zoomed around the tank agitated. I rushed towards him and pulled Arief's hand away from the side of the tank.

"Hey!" he said, annoyed.

"Arief, please stop that."

"Why? I used to do it at Mr Poonawala's."

"Really? How many times did you visit Mr P?"

Arief thought. "Once, I think." He knocked the tank with a knuckle

I felt my blood pressure rise, no wonder Mr P didn't invite this guy back! "Can you stop that knocking? It stresses Fish."

"Really? They told you?" Arief's eyes raked me slowly from top to bottom.

"Yes. Every now and then they call me on our hotline and give me instructions."

"What crap!"

"Says someone who'll likely hold out a chicken leg to a crocodile to feed on."

He bent angrily towards me. Ashok's hand was immediately on Arief's chest, but Genie was already wedged between us - an imposing presence. But Arief wouldn't stop looking at me angrily. Ashok pulled him away.

"You foolish girl! Was that necessary?" Nidhi said, an agitated speck of her spit landing on my upper lip. Yuck. I backed away a centimetre.

"You don't have to spit at me, Nidhi. You could just say it nicely." I used my collar to wipe it off. First vomiting and now being spat on - there was no end to this bad day!

"You and your damned fish. So childish! The man was just looking at them."

"No, the nutcase was terrorising them! When you bang the glass walls, the sound magnifies and reverberates," I said, thinking quickly. "They are the smaller, more delicate of God's creatures," I added - my masala and its logic had to be ironcast. But was it? 

"Nyarr!" Nidhi bared her teeth at me and marched off.

"Was that necessary?" Roma asked when Georgy moved away to talk to his cousin.

"Not you too!"

"No, Darling. But for a minute I thought Arief was going to hit you." She put her arm around my neck and squeezed until I saw black and thought my legs would buckle. She smooched me hard on the cheek. "I'm so glad you're here, Babe. C'mon, let's check out the pool. Maybe we can toss in a crocodile while we're here."

"Shall we attempt a smoke later?"

"Yup. I found us a spot where no one can see. We'll go when everyone's asleep."

"Deal. Roma?"

"Yes, Baby?"

"Why is Nidhi here?"

"What?"

I felt irritated to my eyeballs. Roma was acting evasive! I grabbed her ear and twisted hard. "What are you doing torturing me with the likes of Arief and Nidhi?" 

"Ow, ouch, OUCHHHHHH!!!!"

"DID YOU TELL ASHOK?"

"NO!!!"

"WHO THEN?!"

"DADDY!" Roma pushed me off her and rubbed her ear. "Satisfied?"

"What the hell is Uncle playing at?!"

"I do not know. Georgy and I are fed up!" Roma grabbed my collar and pulled me toward a patch of trees.

"Let's get a smoke - too many idiots in one spot."

I turned to look at my pack. Genie and Fish had disappeared. Almost everyone had gone to their rooms. Only Ashok and Arief remained downstairs, chatting - with Eva sulking in a corner.

                                       ****** 
 * (translation) But see how much he hates her

Fishy Chronicles 25: Oh, Fish!

I felt water spatter my newspaper. I refused to lower it and look for the source.

"Hey!"

I ignored the summons. Fish had been cold to me for a couple of days. Only Dimitri had come to me for a tickle when I put my hand into the fish tank yesterday. The rest had huddled in various corners and ignored me. I couldn't figure out why and finally gave up.

"Leave them be. They probably want something," Genie said yesterday, passing me a scraped carrot.

"Do you know why they are giving me the cold shoulder?" I started to julienne the carrot.

"You really mean, cold fin."

"Took the words out of my mouth," I grinned.

"Don't worry. We're too dumb to figure it out and they'll be too annoyed at us for not reading their minds. You'll know for sure tomorrow."

Genie was right.

This is a fictional series about a tank of fish, the narrator and her former manservant Genie. Fish have issues with the trip, or the one thing lacking.

Water rained on my newspaper. "Are you sleeping?" Penaaz screamed. 

I quickly lowered it. I could see Genie, sitting opposite me in an armchair, smirk and shake his head. Damn! I shouldn't have given in so quickly.

"Er, I'm reading. How could I sleep and hold up a newspaper. What's up, Penaaz?" She was one of the five fish in my tank. She was large and stately and swanned about the tank with her soulmate Pervez.

"Why aren't you taking us on your trip?"

"You weren't invited."

There was a commotion and the water rolled furiously. Fish zipped around the tank, threw open the lid and hung on to the tank's edge to glare at me better. I was chuffed at the reaction I had excited.

I heard fairly polite swear words. I waited till they calmed down. Gregory said, "The lack of an invite has never stopped you from taking us anywhere. You are the worst guest ever!"

"I know."

"But?"

"But?

"There's always a but!"

"But, for what?"

"Explain yourself!" Fish screamed. I wanted to laugh but was distracted by Genie who had just thrown down his newspaper and was rolling around in his armchair laughing.

I grinned. "For once I'd like to roam about without having to worry about or wheel around you guys."

There was silence.

"You think we're a burden?" Gregory gasped finally, his eyes wide.

"You don't want us with you?" Dimitri said, letting go of the tank's rim and moving back into the water.

My heart raced. That was not what I meant at all. I hurried to the tank and leaned in. "Sorry. I never meant that. I was just toying with you."

Fish looked wary. Penaaz had her back to me and Pervez looked uncertain.

"Hey, guys. Please believe me! I'd never say something to hurt you. You know everything I say to you is in jest, right?" I put my hand into the tank and poked Gregory's tail. "Besides, who could I leave you with?"

"So many people!" Portas retorted.

"Name someone I'd willingly hand you over to?"

"Aunty Glory," Dimitri said, immediately at the top of the tank, animatedly swimming back and forth. Fish loved her madly. I often left the tank lid open when Aunty visited, because they loved to somersault and show off - including Penaaz. She was now treading water just out of reach of my index finger.

"I might have, if she hadn't forgotten to feed you - when my dad was in hospital - remember?"

"Yes. You fed us slow-releasing food later," Pervez said, rather accusingly.

"Which is better than being starved," said Dimitri, giving Pervez the stink eye. Pervez sighed and swam to the top of the tank. He let me rub his back.

"Anyone else?" I prodded.

Into the silence, Genie spoke. "Maybe Zeba would agree - if I asked. I don't think she'd forget to feed you guys. Maybe she'd even vacuum the floor of the tank if we show her how."

"Are you mad?" Gregory pre-empted me.

"Totally! Why else would he say such rubbish!" Portas said.

"Really, Genie. It'd be better to be chased about by a shark in a mossy aquarium than be foisted on her!" Penaaz said.

"Absolutely," concurred Pervez, looking adoringly at Penaaz.

I was in a quandary. I never really had to deal with this issue - there was always Genie or someone reliable about. And I had been planning to leave the curtains partially open and put slow-releasing fish food in the tank.

"If you don't plan to take us with you, where do you plan to keep us?" Dimitri asked me.

Genie looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I opened my mouth and closed it. Every person on the Lonavala trip was going to make fun of me for bringing Fish along. But who left their children behind to go on a trip. Besides, Fish's pronouncements would be priceless.

"Er, you'll be going with us - not that I'd planned to leave you behind," I said.

"You could have fooled us," Gregory said.

"Totally," Portas said.

"Like a shark not ready to eat a human," Penaaz said.

"Absolutely," Pervez concurred.

Dimitri jumped out of the tank, somersaulted and splashed back in. He surfaced immediately and said, "Don't mind them, Sweetie, they always imagine the worst. We'll be there, watching your back - and Genie's." He kissed the tips of my fingers and Fish followed suit.

It was the best feeling in a long time.

Fishy Chronicles 24: Clearing The Fog

I waited a day to call Roma. I tried a couple of times.

By chance, I saw Aunty Glory lugging groceries home. Uncle John was in Goa - I had noticed her in the balcony many times during the day, catching sight of the cigarette smoke from between her potted plants on the balcony's ledge. Her cigarette was usually balanced on a tiny blue enamel ashtray, wedged between two flower pots so that it wasn't blown away.

How did she start smoking, I'd asked Papa. "Oh, it was glamorous in those days. But Glory just wanted to shock people's pants off, and then got hooked."

I was shocked at what Papa said, but I shouldn't have been.

Illustration by A. Peter

"What's the latest on the holiday drama, my dear?" Aunty Glory asked.

"Eva's getting along a friend - a man."

Aunty laughed. It was like many ducks quacking. Very unladylike, my mother in law - ex - had sniffed once.

"Roma's very disturbed and Genie upset her more. She didn't pick up my calls today."

"Well, she must be busy," Aunty said.

"Probably." I felt better.

"What did Genie say to throw off Roma? Hard to imagine him upsetting her. They have such great chemistry."

I dropped one of Aunty's bags. "Er, chemistry?"

She was rummaging through her handbag, looking for her key. The lift door opened and I hefted the bags to Aunty's door and waited.

"You didn't notice?" Some shrill quacks. "Oh, my darling, you don't notice a thing! They're attracted to each other. And what's not to like. At another time and place, they might have got together. Maybe. But probably not."

"Why not?"

"Well, for one, their paths should cross. Roma's parents married her early, as did all you girls."

I nodded. That great Indian tradition of marrying a woman off as early as possible. Ninety percent of the time the marriage worked. But really, who knew. A few years on the chance of a happy marriage might be an unusual theme only found in old books.

Aunty continued, "Don't worry, dear. She's too rational to fool around. And despite those silly people she lives with, she seems to manage them well. Yes, my dear, manage them. Not a bad thing at all, but not everyone's cup of tea."

"You mean manipulation, no? However hard I tried, I couldn't please anyone," I mumbled.

"Well, don't have a pity party. Better to end it than be unhappy forever." My friend Anjali had put it baldly. "You got your life back." Only, it had made me miserable to hear her say it. But as the years passed - and I settled into my singleness and caught my balance - I understood what she meant.

"Is their divorce final?"

I felt shock course through me. I thought of Roma and Georgy splitting and then realised Aunty was asking about my cousin Eva and her husband Ashok.

"N-No, Aunty. Not that we've heard of."

"Oh... Oh!" Aunty opened her mouth several times, but no words came.

"What, Aunty Glory?"

"Nothing, dear."
                                        ******

This is a fictional series surrounding the narrator and her former manservant, and now friend, Genie.

                                        ******

"Why did you run off yesterday, Roma?" I managed to pin down my cousin in the evening.

"I didn't."

"You ran like Satan was after you."

"Hahaha! I was in a hurry to get home. I realised today that if I manage my time better, I can sit in the BMC park for a bit - before I have to get home."

"Why would you do that?"

"I want to hear myself think," Roma said.

"Come here if you want to spend time away from everyone. You know you can come here - anytime."

"Oh... darling! You're so sweet. Of course, I'd come to you. Or I'd just kick someone's butt. That seems way easier than running away."

"It's not running away!" I protested.

"I know, I know. That came out badly. I meant I'd only run if Georgy was with me. And imagine what my kids would do to Fish if I turned up there."

"Okay. Are you going to tell Eva to stay away?"

"No. She can screw herself however she likes. And we're both going to be there to watch."

                                        ******

Fishy Chronicles 23: Out Of Love

Genie opened the front door and smiled broadly. I stood up immediately. I was curious to know who made him happy. Even Fish were excitedly shimmying up and down their tank.

"What a surprise," Genie said, and moved aside.

"Good or bad?" Roma said. Sometimes I thought my cousin was flirting with Genie and at other times I thought she needed the stimulation - intellectual and otherwise. This was her third visit in several weeks.

"All well, Roma?" I asked.

"Yes." She hugged me tightly. "Any rum cake left over from Christmas?"

I tried not to look at Genie. I had hidden away a few pieces - mostly for Roma and Aunty Glory. Luckily, Genie was already moving into the kitchen to make tea. I hated the idea of making rum cake through the year - it was a Christmas tradition and it needed to stay that way.

"Anything wrong?" I asked Roma. She had tossed her bag on the table, was scratching her head and looking for a place to sit. I pushed her into an armchair.

"Eva's bringing a friend on the trip," Roma said, rummaging through her purse now.

"Okay." Roma's family had invited a pair of our married relatives for a brief holiday with them. Only the couple was in the middle of an estrangement.

Cousin Roma drops in. She stresses about an upcoming family trip. She asks Genie for advice, but is unhinged by his response.

"You don't want to know who?" Roma asked.

"Not really. But if the excitement quotient is going to shoot through the roof, why not."

Roma turned to me. "Sometimes you have a lousy attitude!"

"Why? Because I'm not interested in what's going on with a cousin who doesn't give me the time of day?"

"You're imagining it. She's always cared for you."

"Ok, ok, okay! I want to vomit. So who's the friend?"

"Some Bengali guy she says she's friends with."

"Abhijeet Baruah?"

"How did you know?!"

"I didn't!" I looked at a spot behind Roma's ear.

"Spit it out!"

"They banter a lot on Facebook."

"You're on her Facebook list, stalking her and here you say you're not interested in her!"

"Yes. I'm an utter hypocrite. Some cake, Genie?" I turned away from Roma, holding out the plate to Genie. He was now sitting in an armchair on my left and watching us.

"You knew there was something brewing and you didn't tell me?!" Roma said.

"I don't know anything! Eva banters with many people - men and women. But lately it's been this guy - he's always got a comment." Very flirty comments and he was a good looking specimen. I wondered why the guys in my list were not Adonises. Did we just attract our own types even on Facebook?

"Well, this Baruah is joining us on our holiday!"

"What's Eva trying to do? Doesn't she want to fix things with Ashok?" My mind was racing - why bring an outsider to a private family gathering and make even more of a mess. Worse, what if this Baruah found out we were all certified nutcases. "Tell her not to bring him, Roma! Do your in laws know?"

"No."

"Whattttt?!" I laughed... and laughed, until Genie goosed me.

"Explain that!"

"Sorry, Roma. The shock value is going to be intense! What about your parents, do they know?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"And nothing! Dad said Eva was an adult and could handle the consequences of her actions herself."

"What bullshit! Did you actually hear Uncle say it?"

"Quiet! I need to think."

I couldn't understand it. Eva's husband Ashok was handsome and going places - the kind of guy a social climber wanted. "Is she trying to kill her marriage?" I said.

"Seems like it," Roma muttered. Genie pushed her mug of cooling tea closer to her. She looked at him. "What would you do in this situation, Genie?"

He shifted slightly in his seat, "You don't want to know."

"What would you do?" Roma repeated.

"I would... counsel Eva against bringing her boyfriend and ask her to treat Ashok with respect during the holiday."

Roma cleared her throat, "And if Eva still wants to bring along the boyfriend?"

"Uninvite her."

"It's not that simple."

"Actually, it is."

"We can't make her."

"You can. And you can advise her that any unreasonable behaviour and avoidable rudeness would cost her the already tenuous affection and support of her family, which they are according her at great personal cost."

After a while, Genie asked, "Why did your father agree to let Eva bring her boyfriend?"

Roma's mouth tightened and her nostrils flared. Finally, she smiled coolly and stood up, "Beats me. Got to go."

Genie stood up and walked Roma to the door. I waved to Roma from my window. She didn't turn and walked away quickly.

Genie was now sitting in his armchair, one leg over the other, slowly drinking his tea.

"What happened, Genie?"

He shrugged his shoulders and continued to sip his tea.

"Your tea is cold, Genie."

He raised his mug and grinned. "Warm. Wouldn't want to waste a good cup of tea."

"Why did Uncle tell Eva it was okay to bring her boyfriend?"

The grin subsided. "Think about it."

"Nothing comes to mind."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

He put his tea mug on the coffee table, next to the two mugs of cooling, undrunk tea. "What is the worst that could happen on the trip?"

My eyes flew over his face, fixed on his eyes. It would be the end of Eva and Ashok. Was that what Uncle wanted - for his own sister's daughter? He had been there for my parents at their lowest point, but I had often felt his disapproval. He had told me a few times that I hadn't tried hard enough to save my marriage - that I should have hung on even if it killed me.

Genie picked up the tea mugs and walked away. I heard water gush from the kitchen tap. I was afraid to ask. I didn't want to know. But my fearless cousin knew. And it had bothered her enough to flee.

Fishy Chronicles 22: Holiday In Hell

Three missed calls and a message, to call back immediately, from my cousin Roma.

Unusual. She usually called once as I always called back. I felt sudden tension. I dreaded calls from other family or news relating to them. My mother had told me this anxiety sprang from being an only child - that I was unable to deal with the drama of a huge family.

"You're adopted... picked up from a dustbin," Roma's brother Rajiv told me a few times when I was younger. The child me mulled Rajiv's words at night, in bed squeezed between two cousins in our ancestral home. It was not possible, I decided. My parents were sane people who would have tried to find the baby's parents or handed it over to police.

This final judgement coloured my opinion of Rajiv lifelong. I felt he was given to talking nonsense and being a pest to his smaller siblings. The rare occasions he got unbearable for Roma, she punched him in the stomach. 

"What's up, Roma?" 

"Do you have those two public holidays back to back next month, the one with the weekend?" 

"Yes."

"What are you planning to do with them?"

"Er..."

"Good. You and Genie can come with us."

"Come where?"

"Do you have anything better to do, than sitting at home?"

"Er, hmm, I was hoping to unwind and do housework."

"Isn't Genie doing that for you?" Roma said.

"Not exactly. He's a guest now."

"Right, all the better. You'll enjoy a holiday with us."

"Us?" I felt anxiety well up - Us, We, They, Them, She and He were not promising pronouns when uttered by Roma.

"Yes, sisters in law with their families, parents in law, Dad and Mum, and you and Genie."

"Why do you need us?"

I heard her sputter. "What sort of talk is this? You're hiding yourself away, you're becoming a loner introvert. I'll send you details later!"

"Something's fishy here!"

I heard noises at the other end, but no rebuttal. "Who else is coming?" I asked when Roma stayed quiet.

She sighed. "Eva and Ashok."

"What?! No way!" Eva was our first cousin and Ashok was Roma's husband's first cousin. They'd initially set eyes on each other at a family wedding in Kerala, had a whirlwind romance and married soon after. Only they were estranged now. "You're using me! Just tell them to stay away!"

"No. It's not like that. Mummy invited Eva for the holiday. Mother in law decided to help patch up things between Ashok and Eva and invited him to join us." The 'interfamilial' getaway was an annual feature. Roma's in laws liked to be seen with their more influential and wealthy counterparts and Roma's parents wanted things to be smooth for her.

"Does Eva know?" I asked.

"I don't think so."

"Does Ashok know?"

"Er... probably not."

"Aiyyo, no, Roma! We'd make things worse."

"Please, darling. I can't bear to be in that mess alone. You'd save me. I know Genie would save the day!"

"I don't know. It's difficult to explain him to everybody."

"Let's just say you can't leave him alone."

"How do I explain that?"

"Er..."

"Exactly, Roma!"

"Is Genie around?"

"He hates being called round," I chuckled.

"Give him the phone!"

"He's out. I'll ask him to call you."

"Okay, but you know how I feel about procrastinators and trouble makers and, in general, people who don't obey me."

"I wish you'd worked on your in laws first and then our cousins."

"I can't punch them in the stomachs."

"But you're always wishing it," I said. I heard Roma laugh and disconnect the phone line.

                                    ******

Cousin Roma orders the narrator and Genie to join Roma's family on their holiday. 

But Roma has an ulterior motive. She's stressed out by family drama and the prospect of having her married, but estranged, cousins join them on the trip - the result of interference by family elders.  

                                    ******

"How did you get into this mess?" Genie asked. I scratched my head. Now that I didn't employ him, Genie was wont to be forthright.

Roma's in laws were an ex government servant type and homemaker, with married daughters living in the distant suburbs. They loved to come home frequently and cribbed about their in laws.

They had stayed with us at our ancestral home in Kerala, soon after my divorce. To escape a house full of relatives, I had walked into my walk-in wall closet, switched on a small torch light, closed the door and sat on the floor. This was better than venturing out and getting caught in the rain or moving around the trees to avoid the gaze of mean relatives. Unwittingly, I got stuck in the closet when Roma's in laws, specifically her mother in law and two sisters in law, came into my room, sat on the bed, and began to discuss me.

I listened to the conversation, appalled, and cried silently. They were tearing me apart, twisting facts about my married life into sordid innuendo. I listened to the women trash my family and Roma's, trash Roma and make Georgy out to be a benign victim. Some way into the conversation, I spotted the ancient tape player that we had used some days ago to listen to old tapes we had recorded as kids. I pressed the red Record button.

I seethed and wanted to scream.

Then I heard more interesting stuff, about the father in law's family - more slash and burn. Finally, I heard my mom come into the room and ask about me. "I've been looking for her everywhere."

My mother sounded very worried. She entered the room and tried the handle of the closet door. "Mole? Are you there? Ruminating?" she said in a half-joking tone, while wiggling the door handle.

I stayed silent, my heart thudding, wondering what to do. Then my mother tugged hard and the door opened, blinding me with the light of the bedroom tubelight.

Shit, shit, bugger and shit! My mother was angry. She guessed correctly that I had been eavesdropping. She slammed the door shut. "I thought I heard a rat in there," she said to the women in the bedroom. "There's a big one that sometimes likes to get into that closet. Let's go to the dining room, dinner is ready."

I heard the ladies chatter to Mummy and leave. I started counting to 100, but pushed open the door at 40. I thought I'd pass out with shock - Roma's mother in law had held back to redo her sari pleats and was staring at me in a mixture of utter bewilderment and fear, holding her pleats in one hand and pallu in the other.

Her eyes took in my tear-streaked face. "Oru minute, Aunty," I reached into the closet, rewound the tape, and replayed, at full volume, some of the conversation - a rubbish bit about my marriage and parents. Aunty looked horror stricken at the door of my bedroom. I saw my parents at the door, ashen faced. I hurriedly switched off the player, pulled out the tape, hid it in the closet and quickly walked to the door. My parents were furious with me. We walked in silence to the dining room. I was surprised they didn't thrash me in front of Aunty.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. My father said, "Go wash your face before dinner. That was unacceptable behaviour. You will apologise to Aunty." I opened my mouth to protest, but closed it. I had also noted Aunty's gleeful expression. I nodded and strode to Aunty, taking her by surprise. "I'm sorry for causing you discomfort, Aunty. I hope you'll be kind enough to forgive me." We glared at each other, rather I glared and she couldn't because she was facing my parents.

She nodded and her mouth turned downwards. I went off to the bathroom, threw water on my face and returned to the dining room. I couldn't be sure if the goose had blabbed to her progeny, so I sat down at the dining table, out of range of their gaze. But I couldn't avoid my parents' cold stares - they were deeply ashamed of me as I was of myself.

I felt Genie's fingers on my cheek and it brought me back to the present instantly. "I didn't realise being with Roma's family stressed you so much. I'll come with you - if it makes you feel better."

"Yes," I croaked. It will, would, was going to make me feel better. I couldn't face those harridans on my own.

"Shall I say I've returned to work for you... if someone asks?" Genie said, his face calm and unreadable.

"I don't like lying. It just makes things worse."

"So you're okay saying that I'm living with you?"

"Er, that sounds odd the way you say it..."

"Yet, right now, that is what it it is. And the little I've seen of Roma's in laws..." Genie shook his head gravely, and his moustache moved downward.

"Right, you're back to being my butler."

"Minus the fancy clothes," he grinned.

"Just so that you don't have the imprints of those women's gazes seared into your body forever, I suggest you come fully covered - full pants, full-sleeved shirts, etc, etc. And, maybe, you can grow a beard."

Genie grinned and held out his hand. I shook it. We had a gentleman's agreement. I just hoped he'd save the day for Roma and me.

                                      ******