Fishy Chronicles 22: Holiday In Hell

Three missed calls and a message, to call back immediately, from my cousin Roma.

Unusual. She usually called once as I always called back. I felt sudden tension. I dreaded calls from other family or news relating to them. My mother had told me this anxiety sprang from being an only child - that I was unable to deal with the drama of a huge family.

"You're adopted... picked up from a dustbin," Roma's brother Rajiv told me a few times when I was younger. The child me mulled Rajiv's words at night, in bed squeezed between two cousins in our ancestral home. It was not possible, I decided. My parents were sane people who would have tried to find the baby's parents or handed it over to police.

This final judgement coloured my opinion of Rajiv lifelong. I felt he was given to talking nonsense and being a pest to his smaller siblings. The rare occasions he got unbearable for Roma, she punched him in the stomach. 

"What's up, Roma?" 

"Do you have those two public holidays back to back next month, the one with the weekend?" 

"Yes."

"What are you planning to do with them?"

"Er..."

"Good. You and Genie can come with us."

"Come where?"

"Do you have anything better to do, than sitting at home?"

"Er, hmm, I was hoping to unwind and do housework."

"Isn't Genie doing that for you?" Roma said.

"Not exactly. He's a guest now."

"Right, all the better. You'll enjoy a holiday with us."

"Us?" I felt anxiety well up - Us, We, They, Them, She and He were not promising pronouns when uttered by Roma.

"Yes, sisters in law with their families, parents in law, Dad and Mum, and you and Genie."

"Why do you need us?"

I heard her sputter. "What sort of talk is this? You're hiding yourself away, you're becoming a loner introvert. I'll send you details later!"

"Something's fishy here!"

I heard noises at the other end, but no rebuttal. "Who else is coming?" I asked when Roma stayed quiet.

She sighed. "Eva and Ashok."

"What?! No way!" Eva was our first cousin and Ashok was Roma's husband's first cousin. They'd initially set eyes on each other at a family wedding in Kerala, had a whirlwind romance and married soon after. Only they were estranged now. "You're using me! Just tell them to stay away!"

"No. It's not like that. Mummy invited Eva for the holiday. Mother in law decided to help patch up things between Ashok and Eva and invited him to join us." The 'interfamilial' getaway was an annual feature. Roma's in laws liked to be seen with their more influential and wealthy counterparts and Roma's parents wanted things to be smooth for her.

"Does Eva know?" I asked.

"I don't think so."

"Does Ashok know?"

"Er... probably not."

"Aiyyo, no, Roma! We'd make things worse."

"Please, darling. I can't bear to be in that mess alone. You'd save me. I know Genie would save the day!"

"I don't know. It's difficult to explain him to everybody."

"Let's just say you can't leave him alone."

"How do I explain that?"

"Er..."

"Exactly, Roma!"

"Is Genie around?"

"He hates being called round," I chuckled.

"Give him the phone!"

"He's out. I'll ask him to call you."

"Okay, but you know how I feel about procrastinators and trouble makers and, in general, people who don't obey me."

"I wish you'd worked on your in laws first and then our cousins."

"I can't punch them in the stomachs."

"But you're always wishing it," I said. I heard Roma laugh and disconnect the phone line.

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Cousin Roma orders the narrator and Genie to join Roma's family on their holiday. 

But Roma has an ulterior motive. She's stressed out by family drama and the prospect of having her married, but estranged, cousins join them on the trip - the result of interference by family elders.  

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"How did you get into this mess?" Genie asked. I scratched my head. Now that I didn't employ him, Genie was wont to be forthright.

Roma's in laws were an ex government servant type and homemaker, with married daughters living in the distant suburbs. They loved to come home frequently and cribbed about their in laws.

They had stayed with us at our ancestral home in Kerala, soon after my divorce. To escape a house full of relatives, I had walked into my walk-in wall closet, switched on a small torch light, closed the door and sat on the floor. This was better than venturing out and getting caught in the rain or moving around the trees to avoid the gaze of mean relatives. Unwittingly, I got stuck in the closet when Roma's in laws, specifically her mother in law and two sisters in law, came into my room, sat on the bed, and began to discuss me.

I listened to the conversation, appalled, and cried silently. They were tearing me apart, twisting facts about my married life into sordid innuendo. I listened to the women trash my family and Roma's, trash Roma and make Georgy out to be a benign victim. Some way into the conversation, I spotted the ancient tape player that we had used some days ago to listen to old tapes we had recorded as kids. I pressed the red Record button.

I seethed and wanted to scream.

Then I heard more interesting stuff, about the father in law's family - more slash and burn. Finally, I heard my mom come into the room and ask about me. "I've been looking for her everywhere."

My mother sounded very worried. She entered the room and tried the handle of the closet door. "Mole? Are you there? Ruminating?" she said in a half-joking tone, while wiggling the door handle.

I stayed silent, my heart thudding, wondering what to do. Then my mother tugged hard and the door opened, blinding me with the light of the bedroom tubelight.

Shit, shit, bugger and shit! My mother was angry. She guessed correctly that I had been eavesdropping. She slammed the door shut. "I thought I heard a rat in there," she said to the women in the bedroom. "There's a big one that sometimes likes to get into that closet. Let's go to the dining room, dinner is ready."

I heard the ladies chatter to Mummy and leave. I started counting to 100, but pushed open the door at 40. I thought I'd pass out with shock - Roma's mother in law had held back to redo her sari pleats and was staring at me in a mixture of utter bewilderment and fear, holding her pleats in one hand and pallu in the other.

Her eyes took in my tear-streaked face. "Oru minute, Aunty," I reached into the closet, rewound the tape, and replayed, at full volume, some of the conversation - a rubbish bit about my marriage and parents. Aunty looked horror stricken at the door of my bedroom. I saw my parents at the door, ashen faced. I hurriedly switched off the player, pulled out the tape, hid it in the closet and quickly walked to the door. My parents were furious with me. We walked in silence to the dining room. I was surprised they didn't thrash me in front of Aunty.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. My father said, "Go wash your face before dinner. That was unacceptable behaviour. You will apologise to Aunty." I opened my mouth to protest, but closed it. I had also noted Aunty's gleeful expression. I nodded and strode to Aunty, taking her by surprise. "I'm sorry for causing you discomfort, Aunty. I hope you'll be kind enough to forgive me." We glared at each other, rather I glared and she couldn't because she was facing my parents.

She nodded and her mouth turned downwards. I went off to the bathroom, threw water on my face and returned to the dining room. I couldn't be sure if the goose had blabbed to her progeny, so I sat down at the dining table, out of range of their gaze. But I couldn't avoid my parents' cold stares - they were deeply ashamed of me as I was of myself.

I felt Genie's fingers on my cheek and it brought me back to the present instantly. "I didn't realise being with Roma's family stressed you so much. I'll come with you - if it makes you feel better."

"Yes," I croaked. It will, would, was going to make me feel better. I couldn't face those harridans on my own.

"Shall I say I've returned to work for you... if someone asks?" Genie said, his face calm and unreadable.

"I don't like lying. It just makes things worse."

"So you're okay saying that I'm living with you?"

"Er, that sounds odd the way you say it..."

"Yet, right now, that is what it it is. And the little I've seen of Roma's in laws..." Genie shook his head gravely, and his moustache moved downward.

"Right, you're back to being my butler."

"Minus the fancy clothes," he grinned.

"Just so that you don't have the imprints of those women's gazes seared into your body forever, I suggest you come fully covered - full pants, full-sleeved shirts, etc, etc. And, maybe, you can grow a beard."

Genie grinned and held out his hand. I shook it. We had a gentleman's agreement. I just hoped he'd save the day for Roma and me.

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