Fishy Chronicles 26: Confusion In Lonavala

"Have you taken enough clothes? It's a three-day trip, you know," I could hear amusement in Genie's voice.

I had packed a bag and was trying to zip it shut. There were too many clothes in it. I sat on my bed, already tired. Genie sat on the bed and took my hand. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm dreading this trip. Dreading Ashok, Eva, her boyfriend, most of all - the snarky comments."

"Everyone's attention will be on the boyfriend and the couple."

"Hmph."

"And Fish will have a lot to say."

"I don't think it's a good idea taking them."

"Too late to backtrack."

Fish had spent the evening ordering me to pack their toys, graphic novels and special eats. On each of our trips, I'd had to bring everything back untouched and unopened, yet they still insisted on everything going into a separate suitcase.

"Did you pack your swimsuit?" Genie nudged me.

"No."

"Why not?"

"It will give Roma's in laws a heart attack."

Genie immediately got up and opened my cupboard. He pulled out my swimsuit from my underwear drawer and I could feel a powerful blush hit my forehead and cheeks. I immediately rushed to him and plucked my swimsuit from his hands.

"No need to feel inhibited. I've seen you in a swimsuit," Genie said, "and on many occasions tidied your cupboard."

"Aiyyo! There are too many prudes in this world and they are all related to Georgy and Roma!"

"And to you! Go and pack your swimsuit. Let's just enjoy the trip."

                                     ******

This is a fictional series surrounding the narrator, her former manservant Genie and a tank full of opinionated fish.

They go on a trip with cousin Roma's family and several cousins - including Eva, Roma's and the narrator's first cousin, who is married to Ashok, Roma's husband's cousin. Eva and Ashok are estranged and have been invited on the Lonavala trip by elders in the hope they will reconcile. Only Eva, unaware Ashok will be there, is bringing along a boyfriend. 

                                     ******

The closer we got to Lonavala, the more tense I felt. Fish's bawdy banter about Ashok, Eva and the third wheel didn't help. I dreaded meeting Roma's in laws. 

With Genie zigzagging and overtaking other cars, I felt bile come up. I grabbed Genie's arm and shook it frantically. I covered my mouth and started slapping the window with my free hand. Genie lowered the car windows and I leaned out and threw up. Cars blared their horns at me. For an instant I wished I was vomiting on their windshields. I vomited again.

I could feel Genie's fingers on the back of my neck. We were now parked on the side of the road. He had made me get out of the car and sit on a rocky outcrop.

"What's this about? You're not normally carsick," Genie said, handing me a bottle of water.

"I'm not. Maybe I ate something bad last night." I swilled some water in my mouth and spat it out. 

"We ate the same food and I'm okay. What's really the problem?"

"I can't face the Kurians." The Kurians were Roma's in laws.

"They've never bothered you before."

"They have. I just handled it better."

Genie helped me into the car. He drove at a steady clip, but the three-hour drive felt like forever.

                                       ****** 

We saw Ashok at the entrance of Pretty Villa, a large red brick structure with tendrils of creepers and bougainvillae on its sides. He hung back to chat and shook hands with Genie. Surprisingly he had never had a problem with Genie being the help. 

"I see you can't do without your fish - spacesuits and all," Ashok grinned at the travel suits I had created for Fish. It helped them stay out of the tank for periods, with oxygenated water in their suits.

"Aquasuits. There was no one I could leave the fish with."

"Oh?" He looked meaningfully at Genie.

"Genie had to drive me here. He can't be in two places at one time."

"No. No. No. I imagine driving you here is more important... couldn't you have got a lift with Roma?"

"Car sick. Plus Fish. Too complicated..."

"I would have thought that would have sorted matters."

What a pest! "I like my comforts. And I wanted to make sure Fish weren't at the receiving end of someone else's inexperience."

Ashok's eyes moved over me, amused. He stepped back and let me go toward Reception. I remembered Fish in the car and turned and walked right into Ashok. He steadied me. " Are we okay?" he laughed.

"Yes."

"Reception is that-a-way," Ashok's finger pointed behind me.

"I know, but my loves are in the car," I pointed in front of me. Ashok started, but turned to look. I gingerly removed Fish from the back seat. Nobby was sitting in Genie's hair - I still hadn't been able to access Fish's mints, or brush my teeth - one of the reasons I was not keen to talk too much to Ashok. I did like him - he was easy to talk to. Until, of course, the business of Eva popped up.

"Need help?" Ashok came around and watched Fish.

They stayed motionless. Ashok was tricky business. Very sharp. I always caught him watching me talk to Fish. Roma's mother once told me to stop talking to them in public because it made people think I was nuts. 

"Did you ever know Mr Poonawala?" Ashok asked suddenly.

I dropped my bag. "W-What?" I bent to pick it up.

"Mr Nigel Poonawala - one of the owners of Pink Sun?" It was a big ad agency.

"Er, I've heard of him."

"Your ex worked for him."

I was silent. Ashok said, "I was surprised to know your ex was given the fish tank and fish."

"Why surprised?"

"He didn't strike me as an animal person." I could see Gregory squirm. "Those are Mr Poonawala's fish, aren't they?"

"Yes."

"How did you get them?"

"Long story," I pushed past Ashok with my luggage.

He kept pace and pulled my bag out of my grasp. "How?" he caught my arm and I stopped.

"I got them as my divorce settlement."

"You're joking!"

"No. My ex kept the parrot and nicely killed it. The bastard!" I hurried off as fast as I could. If he had been in front of me I would have kicked my ex in the crotch and run.

Roma caught me at the hotel's entrance. I groaned. I could see her in laws, parents and Nidhi, Ashok's sister, relaxing in the reception area and waiting for us. She had been my senior at school, and like her brother, was very talented. But she was usually cold to me - unreasonably so.

She looked at me but wouldn't smile. Suddenly, it seemed, an army of relatives was relaxing in Pretty Villa's lobby. I looked at Roma - her face was devoid of expression.

"You want to explain what's going on, Roma?" I whispered furiously. Nidhi was a new development.

"He turned up with his sister. Georgy has been arranging rooms for the last hour and he's pissed. It's too complicated - who's going to sleep where."

"Someone should have offered Uncle a condom while he was at work creating Nidhi!" I glared at Nidhi. 

"Oof! Shut up!"

"Never!"

"There are no rooms available now, so we'll have to sit around till check-in time at 12."

"What!" My hopes of hiding in a room were dashed. I looked at Genie moving into the motley group and touching Uncle's and Aunt's feet. They adored him. The rest looked at him indifferently. I could almost read their minds. They were wondering how the servant dared to sit in their midst. Today it was impossible for them not to take him seriously. He was wearing a pair of dark blue fitting jeans, a white t-shirt that clung to his muscled torso, and dark brown boots. Even his long hair was washed and shone and bounced every time he moved.

He settled on a sturdy corner table, arranging Fish next to him. He looked at me and patted the stool next to him. I could see looks of shock rippling across the others' faces. 

Ashok moved in front of me. "What's going on between you two?"

"What do you mean?"

"I heard he'd quit working for you."

"You heard right."

"And?"

"And?"

"And what's he doing with you now?"

"He's back in my employ. But with the option to hold a part-time job," I fibbed.

"Really?" Ashok was grinning.

"Oh, yes."

"That's an interesting arrangement."

"Yes indeedy. Excuse me," I tried to move around him.

Ashok blocked my path. "When did he return?"

"Around Christmas eve."

"And I hear you travelled with him to Cambodia soon after."

"Who would say such a dastardly thing!" 

Ashok laughed. "Everyone knows. Scandalous... to my uncle and aunt," he tilted his head slightly in Roma's parents in law's direction.

"They're easy to scandalise."

He grinned and was going to retort when his eyes widened and then his mouth closed tightly. A car had just come to a stop on the gravel outside and I turned to follow his gaze.

My dear cousin Eva had just got out of a car and was a picture of perfection in tight jeans, a fetching halter top, stilettos, and sporting a new hairstyle - a very attractive pixie cut. She was saying something and laughing to the man getting out of the driver's side of the car when she stopped mid sentence and gaped at us. Her eyes bulged and her mouth became crooked. It lasted two seconds and then she slammed the car door and came marching towards us. I moved back in fright and felt Ashok's hands tighten on my arms.

"Aiyyo! Let me go!" I said. I could see my idiot cousin losing her nerve mid stride. She stopped at the doorway of the hotel and stood hesitantly, looking at all our relatives massed at the side. Some had gasped, some stared in tension and some were looking on with interest.

I couldn't help it, I started to hiccough. I could feel Ashok stare at me. I looked up and saw disbelief. "Better this than vomiting, trust - hic - me!"

Ashok tried not to smile but did in a moment. He watched me hiccough. No one came to my aid and soon I tried to hold my breath. It was at moments like these that you realised how little one cared for you.

"Water?" Ashok asked.

"Hic. Yes, hic... please. Did... hic... you know..." I held my breath for about 15 seconds,  "that your dearest darling was coming?"

He grinned, "No."

"Bloody liar." I extricated myself and said, "enjoy."

Ashok was staring at his wife and her friend and suddenly he started moving toward them. Roma rushed to the doorway and so did Georgy and Genie. But they stopped, watching curiously the trio outside. Ashok was talking to and shaking hands with the man Eva had brought with her. The man was also smiling, but Eva looked terribly unhappy.

The other man pulled out their suitcases and Ashok and he walked toward the hotel, oblivious to Eva in their wake. I sniggered. Roma threw me a dirty look, "What?" she demanded.

"Poor Eva's got to get her luggage in herself. Her boyfriend's forgotten to do the gentlemanly thing. And, for a moment, I thought Ashok would, magar dekho kitna khunnas hai use*! Owww!!" My cousin had jabbed me in the ribs and I kept my hand pressed on the now tender spot. I held back the swear word with difficulty.

"It's not funny at all!" Roma snarled.

"If you don't find madamji getting a taste of her own medicine funny, then I don't know what will ever be funny for you!"

"Please, stop!" Georgy turned and begged. I was too stunned to go on. We followed the actors in our tableau to the sitting area and the two men found a place to sit. We sat near them.

"That's not Abhijeet Baruah," I whispered in Roma's ear.

"What?"

"He's not Abhijee..."

"I heard you! If not Abhijeet, who is he?"

I cleared my throat. No one turned. I coughed loudly and asked, "Aren't you going to introduce us to your friend, Ashok?"

"Ah, this is Arief Rather, we used to work together. He's in advertising - worked for Mr Poonawala. Eva's cousin here," Ashok pointed at me, "has Mr P's fish. She's even brought them here. See them in the tank there," Ashok pointed at Fish. I could see them tread water, very interested in what was going on. Last night I overheard Portas tell Dimitri that he hoped there'd be a catfight.

Arief got up and went to the fish tank. He was a handsome man - sharp features, high cheekbones and very fair with brown hair and brown eyes. I could see the women, including the elderly, preen, fidget and smile at him. Only he was annoying me to death. The idiot was tapping the fish tank's glass wall and Fish had moved away and were staring at him.

"Fork!" I heard Penaaz say.

Fish zoomed around the tank agitated. I rushed towards him and pulled Arief's hand away from the side of the tank.

"Hey!" he said, annoyed.

"Arief, please stop that."

"Why? I used to do it at Mr Poonawala's."

"Really? How many times did you visit Mr P?"

Arief thought. "Once, I think." He knocked the tank with a knuckle

I felt my blood pressure rise, no wonder Mr P didn't invite this guy back! "Can you stop that knocking? It stresses Fish."

"Really? They told you?" Arief's eyes raked me slowly from top to bottom.

"Yes. Every now and then they call me on our hotline and give me instructions."

"What crap!"

"Says someone who'll likely hold out a chicken leg to a crocodile to feed on."

He bent angrily towards me. Ashok's hand was immediately on Arief's chest, but Genie was already wedged between us - an imposing presence. But Arief wouldn't stop looking at me angrily. Ashok pulled him away.

"You foolish girl! Was that necessary?" Nidhi said, an agitated speck of her spit landing on my upper lip. Yuck. I backed away a centimetre.

"You don't have to spit at me, Nidhi. You could just say it nicely." I used my collar to wipe it off. First vomiting and now being spat on - there was no end to this bad day!

"You and your damned fish. So childish! The man was just looking at them."

"No, the nutcase was terrorising them! When you bang the glass walls, the sound magnifies and reverberates," I said, thinking quickly. "They are the smaller, more delicate of God's creatures," I added - my masala and its logic had to be ironcast. But was it? 

"Nyarr!" Nidhi bared her teeth at me and marched off.

"Was that necessary?" Roma asked when Georgy moved away to talk to his cousin.

"Not you too!"

"No, Darling. But for a minute I thought Arief was going to hit you." She put her arm around my neck and squeezed until I saw black and thought my legs would buckle. She smooched me hard on the cheek. "I'm so glad you're here, Babe. C'mon, let's check out the pool. Maybe we can toss in a crocodile while we're here."

"Shall we attempt a smoke later?"

"Yup. I found us a spot where no one can see. We'll go when everyone's asleep."

"Deal. Roma?"

"Yes, Baby?"

"Why is Nidhi here?"

"What?"

I felt irritated to my eyeballs. Roma was acting evasive! I grabbed her ear and twisted hard. "What are you doing torturing me with the likes of Arief and Nidhi?" 

"Ow, ouch, OUCHHHHHH!!!!"

"DID YOU TELL ASHOK?"

"NO!!!"

"WHO THEN?!"

"DADDY!" Roma pushed me off her and rubbed her ear. "Satisfied?"

"What the hell is Uncle playing at?!"

"I do not know. Georgy and I are fed up!" Roma grabbed my collar and pulled me toward a patch of trees.

"Let's get a smoke - too many idiots in one spot."

I turned to look at my pack. Genie and Fish had disappeared. Almost everyone had gone to their rooms. Only Ashok and Arief remained downstairs, chatting - with Eva sulking in a corner.

                                       ****** 
 * (translation) But see how much he hates her

Fishy Chronicles 13: Light Packing, Slow Karma And Other Business

(Illustration by A. Peter)

That night there was a tap on my bedroom door.

Genie came in and watched me pack my suitcase. It was a nice spiffy American Tourister that I had bought when my editor had promised me a junket to Rome. A month later I learned that a young thing in the News Bureau had flown out instead.

“I said to travel light,” I heard Genie's moustache say.

“Yes. I’m travelling very light. This is only about 12 kgs.”

“What about Fish?”

“They plan to lie in a hammock, drink Breezers and read.”

Genie held my busy hands still until I looked up. “Come to the sitting room. We have to talk.”

Sudden deflation. “Are you leaving us? So soon?”

“Yes. And I’m taking you lot with me. I need to lay some ground rules.”

This is a fictional series surrounding Fish, Genie, a former thug turned manservant turned free bird, Norbert, a rum-loving mosquito, and Donny, a North Pole elf who gets his new year's wish of spending the Christmas holidays with a family.  

None of them suspects each is going to goad the other into an adventure.  

Fish comprise Gregory, the intellectual, Portas, the fitness freak, Dimitri, the narrator's favourite fish and confidante and Penaaz and Pervez a pair of lovers and thinkers who are ever fearful of losing their loved ones. 

In this episode Genie wants to take Fish and Company on a trip and orders them to travel very light... which causes heartburn in the household. 

Zeba Bobby, a neighbour with an enormous crush on Genie and who hates the narrator, gets a taste of karma.

I followed him into the sitting room, curious. Nobby and Donny were sitting on the TV stand and watching Fish in the tank. They were zipping from side to side and packing.

“Stop what you’re doing and listen to what I have to say,” Genie ordered.

Fish slowed for an instant, but then continued at breakneck speed.

“Now!” Genie leaned over the tank and said a trifle loudly. A sudden thought entered my head – what if Genie had children and they behaved exactly like Fish.

They stilled. And Genie moved to his cupboard, which was always locked. He pulled out one large knapsack and threw it on the ground between us.

“When I said travel light, I meant everything that is essential has to fit into this bag.”

Fish and I looked at Genie and at each other and we laughed. There was already a mountain of stuff at the side of their tank waiting to be packed into their fake Louis Vuitton valises.

Genie sat on the sofa and put one leg over the other and waited for us to stop.

“You're joking, right, Genie?” Gregory was smiling. He was holding a heavy book. I could read one word, Homosapiens.

“Tomorrow you may have to choose between the scales on your back or travelling. We won’t be able to run home and empty your suitcases. Total weight has to be less than 10kgs.”

“I won’t be able to take anything. Barely any clothes and underwear,” I protested.

“There's an excellent laundry service where we're staying and shops. You can buy what you need, but you won’t need to.”

I looked at Fish. They were eerily quiet. Why?

Then Pervez hoisted himself half out of the tank. He and Penaaz were a pair and we rarely heard them speak. Still they were the ones Fish went to for advice. I attributed their wisdom to the old Parsi gentleman they had lived with previously. But they were filled with the dread of the unknown and losing people close to them, especially after their parent Mr Poonawala died.

“Are you taking us in your Fokker?” Pervez asked. Penaaz looked terribly anxious.

“Well?” Gregory demanded.

“Yes. So there's not much space for luggage.”

Suddenly there was a commotion. But I could think of only one thing. “You have a plane?” And you didn't tell me?

“Yes. I use it a lot. Had it for years. Took your dad up in it a couple of times...”

I stared at him, feeling left out in every sense. Fish knew. Papa had known. Only Genie hadn’t felt the need to tell. Against my will I heard myself say, “What do you use it for?”

“Travelling,” Genie said and walked out of the door.

When I had calmed myself, I looked at the fish tank. There was a great big uproar going on. Pervez and Penaaz were completing each other's sentences angrily and vowing not to go.

“He's a madcap who's probably transporting his ganja or diamonds!” Penaaz bounced off the fish tank’s walls in agitation.

“That’s not fair. Genie's given it all up ages ago. He's on the straight and narrow,” Portas said.

“But if he has a death wish, why do we need to follow?” Pervez wailed.

“You guys have flown with Genie before?” I leaned over the tank. I needed to look Fish in the eye because I wanted straight answers.

“Yes.” Portas said, after a long time. Fish had gone silent.

“When?”

“When you were on your junket to Chhindwara.”

More shame. It had been a factory visit into the Indian hinterland that no reporter had wanted and eventually it was thrust on me.

“It was a factory visit. Junkets are to exotic locales for favoured subordinates.”

“Look at it this way. You got to see the interior of Madhya Pradesh in comfort, stayed in a small palace... the kind of experience very few are likely to have,” Gregory said, adjusting his bow tie and not making eye contact.

“Yes, you’re right. Did Papa go?”

Fish bobbed up and down in silence. Dimitri finally made his way up. “Yes. Papa was upset he was doing it behind your back. But he was very sad and the short trips cheered him. Genie promised to take you one day. We are just surprised it didn't happen sooner.”

“Why didn’t it happen sooner?”

“The tensions with your ex husband. Rohit. And when Papa also died you were always disturbed... we felt you were grieving... then Genie left. He got fed up that you couldn’t sort yourself out.”

“That’s not right,” Portas butted in. “He said you needed space. There were too many of us crowding you at any given time.”

“So he abandoned me?!” I was beginning to feel awful.

“No. Of course not!”

“Is that why you guys left?”

Dimitri looked at me for a long time. I could hear Penaaz beg him “no, don’t say it” over and over.

“We left because it was time to let you figure out things. Plus, it was time to move on. Our lifecycle is very short. We always knew we were going to come back. It wasn't just you who lost a beloved parent, you know. Us and Genie too.”

I felt my throat close and nodded. I knew Papa had taken an instant liking to Genie and vice versa. Papa had even got a carpenter to make a cupboard and bed for Genie. And Genie always sat on the sofa or armchairs, unlike the servants. For my father, Genie had been family. For Genie, I suspect, Papa had been his father.

I picked up the bag and slid open the zip and looked into it without seeing. Whatever I had heard hadn’t changed a thing – I was getting out of Peaceful Society for 10 days. And if the Fokker was any indication, I was going to have the time of my life!

“Right, kids. I’m going to take my aviators and wear three pairs of underwear on the Fokker. Be sure to pack your stuff tonight, else I'll commandeer the extra space. What about your things, Donny?”

He pointed at his tiny holdall. It would fit into a sidepocket.

                                      ******
I felt a little fear when I thought of the Fokker, but I was good for an adventure.

Last night I spoke to Penaaz and Pervez about the trip. I had joked about us crashing into the ocean and being with Mr Poonawala and my parents sooner than we thought. But when Fish started angrily raining water on me, I changed tack and told them that I trusted Genie with my life.

I didn’t think Pervez or Penaaz would believe me. And as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t share my feelings of loss. Or my real fear that all my loved ones would either die or desert me. Neither could I assure them that a plane crash had never been my idea of a top killer of loved ones.

Now the front flap of the knapsack was stuffed with Fish's toys, comics and finger food and they were in their airsuits, impatiently waiting for me to stuff the last of my things into the bag. I hurriedly switched off the lights, checked all the switches and taps and locked my two front doors.

Unusually, Genie was already in the cab – normally he held the door open for me. But I soon realised why. I saw Zeba Bobby rushing towards us on very high heels, in a caftan with a plunging neckline. Plus she wasn't wearing a bra. No wonder Genie was terrified. I jumped in and the Ola driver sped off.

But I needed to finger Genie and though I thought she was awful, I asked, “What’s wrong with Zeba that you can’t be around her for a few minutes?”

I almost shrivelled under his glare. He turned away and looked out the window. After several minutes he glared at me again, “Why couldn’t you tell her to bugger off after she blocked you out of the Christmas preps.”

Fish looked up at the sky. I shrugged weakly. I had felt outnumbered and bullied by the women of Peaceful Society and I hadn’t been able to fight back.

Genie continued to speak, “I’m damned if I’m going to talk to her. I thought you were smart though.”

“Why?”

“Blocking her number and not baking the cakes.”

“I’m now the villain of the society.”

“Of course you are. Peaceful Society is filled with idiots, morons and bullies. If there is someone sensible here, he or she is probably trying to move out. But I’m here now. And Fish and Nobby. We'll see what they throw at us.”

“Yes, Sweetie,” I felt a touch. It was Penaaz. “Be true to yourself.”

I had a sudden thought. “Zeba cornered me at the gate the other day, very angry.”

“Yes?” Penaaz said.

“She said every time she walked past our window, someone threw water at her. But the watchman told her I wasn't at home. Would you know anything about it?”

“Yes.” She smiled beatifically – probably the first time I’d ever seen Penaaz smile. “A lot, actually. Let’s just say, sometimes you can’t wait for karma to come around.”

Fish, Nobby and Donny tittered and Genie stretched in his seat and his body relaxed.

So did I. Only they didn’t know that someone had been watching.

An elderly neighbour I’d given a lift to a few days ago had cackled about Genie washing the windows diligently... and how it always coincided with Zeba passing by.

It probably explained the sun umbrella Zeba now sported everywhere – even at night.

Poor Zeba. She was madly in love with Genie but unable to do a thing about it. And worse, Genie was living with loser me.

Karma had a boot in someone's gut, for sure.